For or From
My daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks, and by the time this piece appears, she will likely be on her honeymoon with her new husband. She and her fiancé asked me to be the officiant, so I’m diligently working on my ceremony comments. As many hours as I’ve been in front of audiences of all kinds, I’ve never served as a wedding officiant before. It’s slow-going for me. I don’t know if everyone preparing for a wedding has the same problem, but it’s crazy hard deciding what to say for such an important celebration.
The whole time that I’m thinking about the wonderful day of celebration, I’m also thinking about the challenges ahead for this new marriage. Although my husband and I have celebrated 32 anniversaries, we don’t take any one of those years for granted. In fact, we are increasingly grateful for the solid family foundation, spiritual growth, and more than a little luck that enables the life we’ve built together. We’ve had our share of fights, rough days, and tough years. I don’t know exactly what the challenges will be for my daughter; I pray she is equipped to handle whatever storms come.
One thing that is resonating with me right now is to make sure my daughter and her fiancé know what each wants for the other as opposed to what they want from each other. As I deal with so many clients, and from my own personal experiences, I believe this part of the conversation is often left unsaid. We often talk about what we don’t want to happen, what we are afraid will happen, or what we won’t allow to happen. Or maybe worse, we are passive-aggressive with these fears, and just act weird or distant without voicing our true concerns at all.
Have you noticed that we do this with each other, but we don’t do it with other things? When you are building a house, you talk about location, cost, specific aesthetics, timeline, how you are going to enjoy it together…. Yes, we want the house to have a solid foundation, to withstand the elements, and to provide a warm environment for our families. We make sure the house is solid, but we talk about that in terms of what we want to build, not in terms of the disasters we want to avoid. We certainly aren’t passive-aggressive with house details. We have a clear vision and work hard to bring that vision into reality.
Think about it: have you shared with your spouse, friend, child, co-worker what you want for them, what kind of house you want to build? If you have, bravo! As I work with people in conflict, this is a habit that I try to instill.
Here is how the conversation looks different. Instead of saying, “You can’t go over my head to talk to the big boss about this issue,” say this, “I’d like for us to handle our differences ourselves, or if we can’t, let’s work out some protocols for what to do.” The first is fear-based and defensive, the second statement describes what kind of “house” you want to build.
As I have been preparing my comments for the wedding, I asked my daughter and her fiancé what they want for each other.
She said, “I want you to see yourself as I see you: strong and resilient, tough and patient. I want you to reach for your goals more than you can imagine and to feel my support in achieving those goals. I want to be there to inspire you and cheer you on the whole way.”
He said, “I wish to see you achieve your biggest dreams and to build a life together in which you are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually fulfilled and whole. I admire your kindness and encouraging spirit and want you to know what a difference this makes for me.”
Clearly, they want so much for each other, but I bet they haven’t shared these exact words. I’m going to encourage them to remind each other constantly of these very things. With such a foundation, the inevitable conflicts will struggle to undermine their love and respect for each other. Of course, there will be big things to work out, but if they truly believe their spouse wants these beautiful things for them, there will be little need for fear and defensiveness.
Does Jesus talk about what he wants for us? Constantly. I’m no Bible scholar and don’t pretend to add much to what has already been said about Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. But as I read these scriptures through my communication-evangelist eyes, I can’t help but see a beautiful picture of what a believer is. This is what Jesus wants for us. The Sermon on the Mount is a game-changer, and I believe it’s a game-changer when we share with others what we want for them.
Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them. He said:
3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
