The Best Time to Plant a Tree is Twenty Years Ago

As I’m scrolling through Twitter, and yes, procrastinating about writing my training books, I noticed a post that asked “What is one skill you wish you would have developed earlier in your career.” I was immediately curious, and clicked to see the responses. From my quick count, there were 66 responses and well over half of them were underneath the communication umbrella: conflict, networking, listening, public speaking, persuasion, emotional intelligence, defensiveness, self-talk, and learning a second language. The very, very distant second place skill was coding. Piano and martial arts made the list too. 

I shouldn’t have been, but I was really surprised. Although I didn’t take the time to predict what people would say, I was shocked at the sincere regret I read in the responses. In a similar post, I saw a list of what should be taught in seminary. Conflict training was at the top of that list, too. It doesn’t take any imagination at all to understand the drain that our poor communication skills, specifically conflict, have on our church families, our communities, and our own lives.

There is a saying, “The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago; the second best time is today.” I’m going to borrow that cliché and assert the same goes for communication training. Yes, we should have worked on our communication twenty years ago, but today is good too! Let’s just start.

Things always start with leadership, right? How is your elder group working together? Can they handle conflict together? Do they lead well together? Can each person be sincere and honest about concerns, fears, dreams….? Are there issues that need to be addressed but aren’t? Is there a disconnect or history between individuals that is affecting the group? Is there an agreed-upon methodology for making decisions? How are relations between elders and staff? Is there dedicated time for ministers to share with elders about needs, concerns, what’s going well, and what’s not?

Sometimes, the staff gets the least attention when it comes to communication training. They are dedicated to making things happen, putting out fires, running programs, teaching, preaching, ministering, fixing what’s broken…. How many times do we stop and just check on how they are functioning together? Do they have any time to build rapport and work on internal conflict skills? It’s entirely too easy for ministers to operate as independent contractors and many conflicts are left unresolved for too long, resulting in low retention and far too many minister search committees. 

The most draining people in any group are the complainers and those who are unproductive. Shocker! It’s so frustrating to think about the price our churches pay for those who are toxically gifted in these areas. Both complainers and nonproducers are those in desperate need of both training and discipline. Think about all the conflict you can outsmart in the future by simply getting your people some solid training.

Here is the thing though, we are notoriously blind to our own communication faults. One exercise I do when I’m teaching customer service is to help people practice how they answer the phone. To prepare for the exercise, I ask the participant to put as much energy into answering the phone as possible in the role-play, to give me a 10 out of 10. The rest of the class serves as judges and are instructed to anonymously rank the energy 1-10. Without fail, the rest of the class scores the participant 7 or below. Another great example of this is public speaking. Absolutely everyone knows what they are supposed to do – but do they perform to the level of their own expectations? Well, having first-hand experience with thousands of students and clients, I think they can, but 95% don’t on their own. It’s not because they don’t want to, they just haven’t been properly coached and then required to practice, and then get helpful feedback. Our good intentions are not a good barometer of our skill. Skill and intention are two different animals. I fully believe, often when no one else does, that all people have good intentions. Even when we are sincerely motivated, we simply might not know what to do with our bodies to accomplish our communication goal. 

One of my favorite things about helping people with their communication is the freedom from fear it provides for them. Many of us grew up in a church environment where people weren’t allowed to disagree, to question the status quo, or to offer a different perspective. When people have structures, language, and strategy to handle themselves and each other respectfully, it’s a whole new world. To be able to connect authentically, handle conflict, disagree productively, allows people to get through a challenge and still want to be on the same team. This can’t be done in a one-hour webinar. People need time to soak in concepts and practice and refine skills in a low-stress environment where they can get solid coaching. This takes time, and the good news is that it’s fun and serves as a really effective bonding experience for participants. Communication training of any sort would be a great service to offer to your community as well, allowing a chance to invite in new people to see who you are as a church family. 

In your community, you have communication professionals, college professors, gifted volunteers, coaches, and many others who can provide solid training. Lean in to their expertise; I promise they will jump at the chance to help. As church leaders, we can’t limit our thinking to week-to-week activities and plans. Think about what you want your church to be in twenty years and plant that tree today!