Fix Your Face; Find the Words

Last week, I was traveling to California to speak at an event. I arrived at the airport early to work on my keynote. I found the perfect spot: a table with an outlet, and close to my gate so I could keep up with any changes or announcements. 

While I was busy typing away on my laptop, the guy sitting next to me began listening to a podcast at double speed with the volume turned up super-high. I tried my best to ignore it at first, but the sound was just too loud. I think the double speed was the main trouble-maker; it didn’t blend in, so I couldn’t block it out. Although airports are always noisy, the collective noise isn’t normally distracting to me, as everything just kind of blends together into background noise, not a bunch of competing sounds. I even tried using my earbuds, but they were not noise-canceling, so they didn't help either.

My frustrations began to heat up, so I decided to try multiple rounds of the glare treatment.

Didn’t this guy know how rude he was being? Glare. Using headphones in an airport is one of the traveler’s 10 commandments. Glare. Didn’t he notice all the people around him who had zero interest in the podcast? Glare. Seriously, how was it possible that he could be that oblivious? Glare. Surprising no one, the glare treatment failed.

Then I looked down at my keynote designed to help people with conflict. Yep, time to practice what I preach. I considered options for asking him to turn the volume down. It was a simple and reasonable request. I knew the words to say. I knew what I should sound like. I knew what my facial expressions should be. Yet I hesitated. But Amanda-Box law says, “Work on the conflict or don’t be mad. Pick one.” So I did.

I fixed my face to be sincerely pleasant and leaned over to get his attention. “Hi, will you please turn down the volume a notch?” He immediately smiled back, said sure, and apologized multiple times. The conflict was literally resolved in the three seconds it took for me to ask the question. 

What was all my rage about? Why did I hesitate to make a reasonable request? Why did I waste time with the glare treatment, all the while knowing it had zero chance of working? The humiliating answer is that all my indignation was based upon a flawed assumption. I assumed that the guy should have known better. I still think he should have known better. However, he didn’t. How do I know? Because the second I asked him to turn the volume down, he did so immediately and sincerely apologized. Clearly, he had no idea.

Anyone relate? Has someone assumed you were causing trouble on purpose? If you are involved in a church family, the answer is most likely yes, and it’s not fun.

What about you? Have you ever decided over your morning coffee that you were going to try to cause as much trouble as possible, especially for any one particular person? “I’m going to give my best efforts to being as difficult as possible.” No? I didn’t think so. I’ve asked that question to hundreds of people, and I never get a yes. If you don’t, then neither does anyone else. I know, I know: you don’t believe me. I’m not saying that people aren’t difficult or that they shouldn’t know better. They are, and they should. What I’m saying is that it’s much more efficient to just ask for what you need instead of getting furious when people don’t meet expectations. As soon as I made my request, everything was over. Granted, this was a simple situation, but the principle remains true even in the most complicated of scenarios. 

Matthew 5:9 says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” Being a peacemaker requires strength and skill as a communicator. If we are going to be effective peacemakers, we have to be smarter too. We can’t get sucked into fallacies—like I did—that throw us into time-wasting behaviors. Whatever assumptions are holding you back from being an effective peacemaker, let them go. Fix your face; find the words. The sooner you do that, the better peacemaker you will be.