The Game-Changers
By the time I’m called in to do individual conflict coaching with co-workers, things are beyond bad; things are toxic. It means no one knows what to do, and there is little hope that the situation can be resolved. In an example of this situation, I worked one-on-one for weeks with some co-workers who had been in conflict for far too long. Accusations of slander, lying, and misconduct were being thrown around. The dreaded HR (Human Resources) was involved, and everyone was exhausted, frustrated, and bruised. Each liked their job, but they didn’t want to be in the same room with each other. Like I said: toxic.
In the weeks prior to the on-site meeting, I sincerely listened to each person’s story. This initial listening part is critical for me to build trust. My job is to find a way to move forward. Working together, I asked for outcome goals, and I carefully required each person to reflect upon their own contribution to the situation. Naturally, the last request wasn’t the most popular. Everyone was asked to submit a list of requests so there would be zero surprises. I set a strict agenda with time frames for each person to speak and respond. Interruptions would not be allowed.
As the time grew closer for all of us to be in the room together, everyone’s anxiety was sky-high, mine included. This is normal, but nerve-wracking. I’ve learned in these situations that I’m going to spend a great deal of time on the phone talking everyone down from the proverbial ledge as I’m travelling to the meeting. I’ve also learned to bring in my personal prayer warriors to keep me off that same ledge. Amongst alllll the variables, I’m in the mix now too, which means my actions have serious consequences, and I don’t take this lightly. This time my prayer was for one thing: humility. Without humility in the room, we didn’t have a chance of resolution. I was seeing precious zero humility.
We all arrived at the designated location, worried and anxious. I reviewed all the ground rules and was completely committed to holding everyone to the set structure. My clients needed to be 100% sure that I wouldn’t let things get out of control; I’m pretty sure it’s the only way they agreed to the meeting. Truth be told, I wasn’t entirely sure they were going to show up. I mean, I didn’t want to be there either and was seriously regretting saying “Yes” to this job.
We began the process and, despite all the anxiety of what could happen, the Lord was present. I felt all those prayers and am pretty sure many others had been asked to pray as well.
Then, it happened. One of the clients explained her contribution and said, “I just gave up. I’m sorry.” This was the contribution piece, and it was the game changer. The tension broke, bodies relaxed, and more contributions and apologies spilled out amongst tears and hugs. The remorse and grief were obvious. Considering where we were just a few minutes prior, I could hardly believe it, except I could. I always know what people can do; I just don’t know what people will do. The relief was tangible, including my own. After contributions and apologies were shared, the rest of the meeting was basically working out logistics.
Did that happen spontaneously? No, but it happened. The breakthrough happened because all parties did what I asked them to do after careful preparation: to share what happened, to share their own contribution, and to ask for needed actions. This requires humility and it also requires courage. Interestingly enough, I didn’t ask anyone to apologize; they did that on their own.
In my experience, humility and courage are what produce confidence that a resolution can take place.
During conflict, humility is thinking through and answering the question, "What is my contribution to this situation?" If I say out loud, “My contribution is that I never spoke up to let you know what was bothering me for two years,” or whatever my mistake was, it's the game changer. It deflates the defensiveness in the room that blocks someone’s ability to listen. I’ve seen it over and over. That humility is incredibly effective because it can’t be faked. (See also the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen [New York: Penguin Books, multiple editions]).
However, it takes almost nothing for people to censor themselves. It takes courage to say these words out loud to the person I’m angry with, and that’s because it’s uncomfortable and requires me to be vulnerable. However, when I do that, my confidence increases because of the other person’s validating reaction, and we have a much, much better shot at working things out.
On this day, it’s quite possible that my clients only had enough courage to do what I asked of them and only enough confidence that I would hold everyone to the rules. It probably didn’t hurt that they weren’t given a choice by their boss. Although that one conversation certainly wasn’t the bow on top of a nicely wrapped gift, I’m incredibly grateful that it was a breakthrough to find a way forward. As soon as the contribution was sincerely communicated, which required courage, both parties gained confidence that resolution could take place.
Resolving conflict after a long and exhausting experience requires both humility and courage. It can be done though; don’t doubt it. I was incredibly proud of the effort that went into that resolution, amongst all the fear and hopelessness.
I can’t help but think how much conflict could be outsmarted with humility and courage many months ago, long before I was asked to work with these professionals.
Why are humility and courage so difficult? Why do we have so little confidence that we can resolve things with each other? Wouldn’t it be easier to handle things when they first happen with humility and courage to prevent so much future pain and suffering? Conflict has such a high price tag.
There are many answers to these questions. One reason is because we are dedicated to believing our experience is sovereign and that our experiences must be aligned. That’s never going to happen, my friends; stop expecting it. When I’m working with clients, I can tell in the first conversation where things went wrong by how they are telling me about what happened. Their stories don’t match up and they are spending every ounce of time and energy trying to prove their case. It never works—never. If proving who was right and who was wrong was required, I would never find a path forward.
In my many years of experience, the reason we don’t believe resolution can take place is we see very few people model the humility and courage needed. If we don’t see it, we don’t know how to do it.
Going forward, instead of expecting your experiences to be completely aligned, let go of that expectation and get curious. Use these pocket phrases to help gain understanding:
Tell me what you are thinking.
How has this affected you?
Are you feeling ________________?
Hey, will you tell me what happened so I can understand?
Tell me about the conversation?
How do you see things?
I like the intensity of the conversation; I want to talk about this.
Best case scenario, what would you like to happen?
Will you share your concerns?
What would you like for my role to be?
My understanding is ________________.
THEN, confess your contribution. Start the sentence with “My contribution was that ________________,” and then add things like:
my communication could have been better.
I misunderstood your intentions.
I was defensive and snippy.
I didn’t know how to bring up the topic.
I jumped to a conclusion.
Both of these actions require humility and courage. However, the great news is that most conflicts will unravel before they gain any traction. Once you take the time to listen, defenses will fall and you can share how you experienced things. Someone has to go first, though, and I’m tagging you. If you want to avoid escalating the issue, this is the sure-fire method. Anything else throws you into a spiral of wasting far too much energy on futile efforts.
I love how the beatitudes in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5:1-12) emphasize humility and courage. If this passage is our cornerstone for our behavior, that includes our communication. Read this passage through the lens of Jesus’ humility and courage.
Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them. He said:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”
