Defend or Connect: Pick One

Our Bible class was studying Elijah when a member of the class shook her head and said, “You’d think Elijah would have more faith. I mean, God just sent the rain and all; then he ran off and asked to die.” I confess to you, my friends, I almost came out of my chair to throat punch that lady. I’m certainly not proud of this, but I can’t deny the truth. Thankfully, I had enough Jesus in my heart to avoid the punch – barely. Clearly, this person has never been in ministry. If she had, she would totally understand that some days in ministry are just that difficult.

My defensiveness and compassion for Elijah came from my own experience of giving blood, sweat, and tears to God’s people. When we understand someone’s world, compassion is effortless. And if we don’t have similar experiences, the next best way to understand someone is to listen – which is so easy to say yet so hard to do. There are always reasons why people do things; we just don’t always know what those reasons are. When we do get insight on the reasons, there is this universal response of, “Ohhhh, I get it now.”

I don’t have to explain to you how flawed, skewed, and straight-up wrong we often are with a simple first impression, let alone a complicated and layered situation. Yet how interested are we in seeking out someone’s story, especially when we feel uncomfortable or are on opposite sides of an issue? Sadly, we can be shockingly committed to believing that all the thoughts in our minds are true. They aren’t. The number of thoughts we have in a lifetime is the number one followed by 6.5 million miles of zeroes, and lots of these are wrong. It’s one thing to be wrong about a simple fact; it’s a whole different zombie apocalypse when we are wrong about people. Unfortunately, we might be guilty of being the zombies.

People are desperate to be understood though, and listening is the most validating thing you can do for another human being. Given half a chance, people will share. We are terrible multi-taskers though; we can’t defend and listen at the same time. What are we defending anyway? I don’t see any scoreboards that record conversational wins and losses. Yet the imaginary mental scoreboard creates staggering losses, essentially exiling people to their own corners, simply because it’s insulting and hurtful for someone’s experience to be dismissed. Defensiveness brings anything good to a screeching halt, and the residue clings to your relationship like the smell of a gas station deep fryer.

What is so difficult about being quiet for a few minutes and just trying to understand? Well, for one thing, we are desperate for the other person to understand us, and in this anxious push to be understood, we sabotage the whole process and make things worse by not listening first. In addition, we somehow equate listening with agreeing. And if we believe this fallacy, the faulty logic concludes that only bad things will happen if we listen/agree. In reality, the opposite is true. It’s only when we have enough confidence and humility to listen to someone’s story, that the defenses go down, trust goes up, and we can have a conversation that can produce positive results.

Conversely, in our culture, we see precisely what happens when people won’t listen. It produces generations of anger. Others can speak to that more authentically than I, but I see it, even in my own family. The other day, my daughter said, “You never let me finish.” Ouch! I felt ashamed, sincerely apologized, and vowed to do better. Even small adjustments like not interrupting someone make a huge difference.

Normally I would include a few tips and tricks to help refine listening skills. You can find a helpful guide here. For now though, just stop talking and read Jesus’s advice through the lens of becoming a better listener. God doesn’t need us to defend him; he wants us to connect others to him.

Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them.

He said: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” (Matt. 5: 1-12)