Ask!

Ok humans, listen up. It’s time to stop being mad about what people aren’t doing and ask for what you need. I mean it. I’m like a broken record out here as I’m coaching people through conflict. “Just ask,” I say, over and over.

Client: “She just started yelling at me in the meeting.”

Me: “Did you calmly ask her to stop?”

[Crickets]

Client: “All he does is send me these crazy-long emails. It’s exhausting.”

Me: “Did you ask to work together on a better communication plan?”

[Crickets]

Client: “My employee threatened to quit if he didn’t get his way.”

Me: “Did you ask for a break so everyone can cool off and then get back to working on the project?”

[Crickets]

People get seriously stumped when I ask these kinds of questions. They look at me like I have three heads.

Think about it. When things go wrong, people immediately blame the communication dynamics; when things go right, they celebrate the win. This makes sense, right? It also highlights the importance of asking for what you need so you can get to the celebration part. I’m all about more celebrating. Celebrations are important, inspiring, and solidly Biblical. Celebrations have better food and fewer headaches.

But if things aren’t going well, give some thought to what you want so you can articulate it clearly. My experience is that, nine times out of ten, people want the same thing. Granted, strategies, behaviors, and communication styles can vary wildly, and these variances can be serious troublemakers. People sincerely have good intentions but are often irritated by a different approach. They then direct their irritation at the person, instead of recognizing the root of the problem. 

You can easily recognize this situation when you find yourself thinking about what someone else should have done. “She should have known. He should have said____________. I can’t believe they ______________.” Here is the truth: she didn’t know; he didn’t know; they didn’t know. This is the very moment when you have a decision to make. Are you going to ask for what you need, or are you going to go face first into the irritation?

Asking for what you need is much faster, far less painful, and just plain smarter than wading through all the interpersonal aftermath of getting angry when people don’t meet your expectations: the avoidance, the talking-about, the quitting, the awkwardness…. 

Why are we so willing to ask God for what we need, but we won’t ask each other? Read this passage from Matthew 7 through my communication evangelist lens:

7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 

8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. 9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”

This might be a good time to remind people that sometimes God says “no” to a request, and people might do the same. That’s ok though. While you can’t control what other people will decide, asking for what you need is mature behavior that will often outsmart the conflict. At the very least, if you make your request known in a calm and credible manner, it becomes a conversation—or even a negotiation—and not some ugly fight caused by a warped expectation that other people are mind readers. If I’m not thirsty, I’m probably not going to offer you a drink of water. 

I’ll even get you started with a little coaching. Begin your request with “Will you please….” Simple good manners go a long way. Don’t even think about asking questions that aren’t questions. Avoid sarcasm like the passive-aggressive poison that it is. Finally, make sure your nonverbals are non-defensive: slower pace, calm voice, pleasant face, and a low word count. 

Ok humans, will you please ask for what you need?