As with any systemic change, like gender inclusion, success comes down to loving each other. So easy to say, yet so hard to do.

Many of our churches are big enough that we basically just hang with the people we want to. We can avoid the troublemakers, the cranky ones, and the gripers – until we can’t. The truth is that leaders can’t do this any longer during a culture shift like gender inclusion. This season of change will pull back the curtain to reveal the fractures in your church, previously repressed by polite smiles and the luxury of distance.

To be fair, it’s kind of a cheap shot on my part to call anyone a troublemaker. Gender inclusion is a rocket booster for anxiety in a church family. Good intentions coupled with high anxiety can rally the troops in unprecedented ways, resulting in an ugly fallout. Build relational bridges now, with intention and sincerity. No doubt, this will help with every issue; but prior to a culture shift, ignoring the significance of relationships is suicide. Relationships are probably already at the top of your list, but those relational cracks are going to become major gorges during the stressful days ahead. Shore up now, while you can.

To prepare, I’m advising that you create relational map of your church family for the purpose of seeing where the disconnect exists. Remember, absence of open conflict with people isn’t the same as being in relationship with them. The ability to share a bit of small talk on Sunday definitely isn’t the same as being in relationship with others. No news does not mean good news; no news means you don’t know what is going on in this person’s life.

Below are nine broad checkpoints to review as you create your relational map:

1. First and foremost, shepherds should take advantage of every precious minute to be with people one-on-one. Resist the urge to huddle together during times when you can be with people, especially during Bible class or any church activity. Hold elder meetings at another time. Use every class, service project, small group, coffee, fellowship meal, youth group activity, nursery duty, children’s church – in short, every opportunity – to simply work alongside and to talk with others, especially those you don’t know very well. It’s completely possible you have been going to church with someone for 30 years and have never really talked to them.

2. Look at the men and women in your church who are truth-seekers, who are open, who are positive, who are encouragers, who are energizers, who are workers, who are Christlike opinion leaders, regardless of title. Use their gift of influence. Following the model of Jesus, read Mark 3:13-15:

Jesus went up on a mountainside and called to him those he wanted, and they came to him. He appointed twelve that they might be with him and that he might send them out to preach and to have authority to drive out demons. (emphasis added)

Equip these positive forces to build bridges between the change-seekers and change-resisters. Their instructions are the same: use every opportunity to talk to others, especially those they don’t know very well. When conflict comes, you’ll be better equipped to work through it together.

3. Is conversation your only job? At the beginning, yes. As your relationship grows, you will know what to do next. If you don’t, your relationship isn’t growing. Then, when conflict hits and difficult conversations need to take place about gender inclusion, you will already have a decent foundation. One thing we have going for us in the Church of Christ is our reverence of Scripture. Use that. As I talked with people during our inclusion process, I was able to share my progression and discovery of my own ignorance about what women were doing in the first-century church (see my previous article about the importance of sharing your own journey). There was so much I didn’t know. When I simply read Scripture without the aid of scholars or commentaries, I discovered that women were teaching, praying, leading, prophesying, and more. Because I was already in relationship with people, this exchange wasn’t a debate, but a conversation that invited questions and an opportunity for me to say, “I’d love to sit down and talk more.” I don’t offer this as a magic bullet; however, if you aren’t in relationship, people will refuse to study at all.

4. Examine your small groups and Bible classes. Have they been together for an extended period of time without many new members? This may indicate a serious resistance to change. Do these groups go with the flow of your church, or do they do their own thing regardless of the group at large?

5. Look at the people who hang out together socially. Who in that group is influential, able to inflame or calm others? Who are the opinion leaders?

6. Look at the people you don’t want to hang out with. I admit, this one is hard, but so is being a shepherd and you said yes to that. ☺ If no one in the eldership is willing to work on these more challenging relationships, my guess is that a serious conflict is being avoided and needs attention and resolution. In my experience, these are the very people who can negatively and strongly influence an uncomfortably large number of people. Once they are activated, it’s too late to mitigate the damage.

7. Identify your most conservative voices. Are they relationally disconnected from leadership? Those most disconnected from the decision-makers will likely be the most unhappy with unpopular changes, especially if they had no input.

8. Spend time with the women in your church. One-on-one may not be the best tactic here, but just make sure the interaction is interpersonal and that relationships are growing. It’s likely that women may be your most resistant group, yet they typically make the decisions about where their families go to church.

9. Is it an election year? Consider the fear mongering that takes place in our culture alongside a presidential election and factor this into your timeline. Political tensions often exacerbate other experiences.

I’m praying for God to bless you with a strong relational foundation, wisdom, and steadfastness in the days ahead. Please reach out if I can be of service to you.

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This article is Part 6 in an ongoing series for elders who are leading their churches through gender inclusion processes. Find the rest of the series here.