Redemptive Relational Practice in the Church

Relational intelligence is fascinating to me, especially as I learn how it informs the health of a church community. One incredible reality of our God is that He has forever reigned in community—Father, Son and Spirit. In reflection of Him, God’s design and desire for us is to learn, grow and live together in community.

While there is no standing definition of relational intelligence, it may be easiest to initially understand this concept as one’s ability to successfully engage with others in a healthy, meaningful way. Some of us are naturally better at this than others, but we all struggle in some way to connect. Without relational intelligence, people are inclined to feel alone, disconnected or neglected by others, even in a crowded room. Those feelings are not from the Lord, but so often we experience them. Churches must be proactive about guiding their flock into spaces where people can experience community and connection in life-giving ways. The local church plays a pivotal role in helping God’s people discover who they are in Christ, especially as relational beings.

You may feel that your church is super connected, and that’s great! However, it is important to take a step back to see if your experience translates to all the other people who walk through your doors. After years of observation in the churches I have been a part of, I’ve noticed how church foyers function innocently as a place where a kind of Christian loitering disguises itself among pockets of genuine connection. It is not uncommon for people of faith to value community, but many struggle to know how to be a part of it. People are showing up, and in most cases they are told “how to get connected,” which often translates into a group, event or class. While this is informative, it is not immediately relational. What if getting connected wasn’t about joining something but joining someone? While belonging and community are two key themes of what it is like to be a part of the body of Christ, it may be more fruitful to point to a person, not a program. This approach creates space for people to practice connection and trust where it takes them. 

Consider the “turn and greet your neighbor” part of the worship experience. Some people feel that this is one of the most exhilarating parts of the service, whereas many will confess it is one of the most awkward and unhelpful parts. While the intention of this time is good, churches who do not formally express a “why” or “how” during this time accidentally set the bar for a community that makes sweaty handshakes and first name transactions crucial. Even though the person next to you is a brother or sister in Christ, it does not mean that connection and conversation is immediately easy or exciting. Equipping people to learn or practice relational intelligence at this time can set the tone for the level of engagement people may offer towards more opportunities for connection. If your church takes time to greet neighbors, I encourage you to name and express the purpose and posture of this time. Facilitate the connection, consider equipping them with questions to ask or even what it looks like to embrace each other with a benediction.

Part of the responsibility we have as God’s co-creators is that we help our flock create the kinds of connection that God desires to have with them by modeling it for each other. If we truly believe that God’s best for us is to be fully in His presence in right relationship with Him, then we must take seriously the responsibility to unleash that presence on earth as it is in heaven through our roles as royal priests who make God known, especially to the neighbor you turn to greet. 

The quality of our relationships is close to God’s heart. The New Testament especially reveals God’s care about genuine connection because of the common themes that address how we are to act within the context of various relationships. This also means that relational intelligence is not inherent, but rather learned. Many get discouraged by the way they struggle to make connections, but even Jesus was not exempt from the growing pains of social connection. Jesus spent His life learning and growing spiritually, physically and relationally (Luke 2:40, 52). The holistic journey of becoming more like Him must include learning how to be relational, and there are so many instances where we can learn from the healthy, meaningful connections Jesus made. Jesus learned to navigate His relationships in a life-giving way, which allows us to trust that becoming more like Him in the way we relate to others is possible—it’s His desire! 

Growing in relational intelligence helps us discover the ways in which God still wants to redeem our relationships with each other and with Him. Building relationships is hard, but it is central to our faith. I believe people would grow much more if church was the place where they could count on practicing the kind of relationship that God desires with them by relating to each other. It may still be awkward and clunky, but I encourage you to challenge each other to break the ice of genuine connection, and to dive into discovering what happens when God’s people learn to connect as deeply and sincerely as they have been created to commune.