Stay in the Room
Not too long ago, I was hired to do some individual coaching with two colleagues who weren’t getting along. “Sure, no prob! I’ll get them all coached up in no time,” I said confidently.
Cue the menacing music—because that confidence didn’t last long.
In a nutshell, a multimillion-dollar project that had been planned for almost 20 years was finally getting off the ground. By the time I entered the picture, there had already been two bad years of interactions between my clients. To complicate things further, there were even more old, unresolved conflicts compounding the current issues. YIKES. Why did I say yes to this?
I met multiple times with each of them separately, trying to piece together what happened over the last two years for things to get so bad. So much time had passed that all the layers were messy and complicated; everyone was pretty beaten up and badly bruised. There was very little hope. The miracle at this point was that no one had quit.
I was losing sleep, and so I called in my prayer warriors. Something had to give. There had to be a shift from all the anger, defensiveness, and “I didn’t do anything wrong.”
Finally, I was able to get some clarity on several key issues; things were calming down a bit and my clients, although tired, were a tiny bit hopeful. We set up a time for the three of us to meet with the following set of instructions:
Please be ready to verbally share, from your perspective, a summary of what happened to create the current situation. Focus on key events and repeated behaviors. During this time, the speaker will have the floor with no interruptions allowed. The purpose of this is to simply listen and accept the other’s viewpoint. I expect this should take 5-10 minutes per person.
Next, be prepared to share your specific contributions to the situation.
Please be ready to share how this situation is impacting you.
I’ve already asked you to make a list of what you need from each other to work together successfully going forward. Please review your list, edit if necessary, and email to me as soon as possible. I want to do a quick review to see if I have any questions before sharing them with each of you in advance of our meeting.
We will discuss next steps together.
There was a big problem, though: I wasn’t sure that either of them would show up. Just before my trip to see them, there was yet another big blow-up, and all I could get out of them was, “I don’t really see the point. It’s not going to change anything.” My whole day of travel was juggling sullen phone calls and grouchy texts. Honestly, I didn’t blame them; things were just that toxic.
But, to my surprise, they both showed. Once I saw they were both willing to meet, I knew something that they didn’t. Simply because they showed up, I knew progress was possible. I mean, I always know what people can do; I just don’t know what they will do. As long as people are willing to engage on any level, even if they are yelling at each other, we can get somewhere. It’s when people leave, quit, refuse to talk, ignore things… that I completely lose hope.
So, we began. Although I still wasn’t sure if they would stay in the room, they each took their turn and shared, per my instructions, with no interruptions. To their credit, they sincerely listened and stopped talking when the timer rang. Prior to the meeting, I warned them they wouldn’t agree with the other’s perspective, but that wasn’t the point. The point was to listen, and they did. I fully believe this was the game changer. Because I wouldn’t allow them to defend, expand, or explain a position, they listened to each other’s voice, took in the facial expressions, experienced eye contact, and, despite the differences, made a human connection. They were able to just accept the other’s experience, which is no small feat.
Next, they shared their contributions and how their own actions had negatively impacted the situation. This was game changer number two: humility. Sincere apologies were offered and accepted. After that, we simply went down the list of what was needed for each to go forward successfully. We had to work out a few details on communication protocols, and there were a couple of points that had to be hashed out with their boss at a later date, but we had just jumped a giant hurdle, and we all felt it.
My take-aways are as follows:
These two wanted the same thing; they just had to ask for what they needed instead of being angry when they didn’t get it. They both wanted to work on this once-in-a-lifetime project, and they both wanted a successful working relationship.
Talking to each other is always better than talking about each other, no matter how intense the conversation is. Sincerely and carefully listening to someone’s experience will reveal perspectives and emotions that might otherwise be overlooked. How someone chooses to tell a story provides critical insight.
These two were willing to do what I asked, despite their doubts and vulnerabilities. I didn’t take that trust for granted. I’m incredibly grateful they were willing to cooperate. Remember, I seriously had no idea if they would show up to the meeting. I wasn’t their boss; I couldn’t make them do anything. I had little leverage; I could only invite.
Although the situation was still tenuous, this was a huge win, and we took the time to acknowledge that.
Was it happily ever after? Haha—not even close! I warned them that this was far from resolved; it was going to be interaction-by-interaction for a while longer. Once they started talking to each other, instead of about each other, it got even scarier. I stayed in close contact, conducted follow-up sessions, and supported as needed.
The third miracle is that they are continuing to find their way, not without frustration or without mistakes, but with more skill, more confidence, and more persistence. They are staying in the room, they don’t interrupt, and they don’t yell, scream, or insult. They are asking for what they need, and they just won’t give up. This is all serious change from previous behaviors. I’m so inspired by their toughness! I’ve omitted so many details about this situation, but the bottom line is clear: a happily-ever-after ending takes toughness, grace, skill, prayer, and persistence. Whatever your desire is, it’s probably on the other side of some conflict. Don’t miss out on the best things because you won’t get in there and deal with difficult things. Sometimes, if people will just stay in the room, it will be enough.
Yes, staff conflict is especially draining, and elders’ meetings can be intense. However, God has given you work to do, and we need strong ministers and church leaders desperately. I’m encouraging everyone these days to be a little tougher and a little kinder, and to simply stay in the room.
