Top 10 for Getting Through It
I recently journeyed with a friend through a deeply wounding experience. After years of intentional personal growth, constant prayer, and careful communication, sadly, we still saw no signs of reconciliation. Like my friend, I find people truly want to heal, but it can be a very bumpy road. The question is always out there: “What can I do?”
I set out to write a top 10 for getting over it but quickly realized that such a list might inadvertently trivialize deep wounds. So I grabbed my colleague Dana Welty, who has walked alongside many hurting people, to provide some practical action items. We also got to hear from several colleagues, who shared their own experiences and insights. You can find their names and Dana’s bio at the bottom of this article. And since all experiences change us, and since we can’t expunge our memories, maybe the phrase “getting through it” is more helpful than “getting over it.”
As always, the intent is to help people work through conflicts while keeping relationships intact, which is possible in most cases. However, the level of hurt justifiably determines how difficult the healing process is. Within this article, we distinguish between two levels of conflict:
A disagreement is common, an ongoing process that occurs against a backdrop of continuing relationships and events. It involves thoughts, perceptions, memories, and emotions of people who perceive themselves to be negatively affected. Yes, hurt, anger, and intense emotions are involved, but the relationship can survive it with manageable fallout.
A wound, however, goes beyond a disagreement and is caused by such behaviors as betrayal, loss, or abuse. In addition, old feelings of woundedness can elevate a disagreement by triggering memories of past wounds, which can change our thinking and perceptions of current interactions because our sympathetic nervous system is aroused from anger and fear. Wounds can also happen when unresolved, lesser disagreements accumulate. For wounds, seek the expertise of a trained counselor who can provide wise counsel and a clear path forward. Our trusted colleagues suggest these two resources: The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World (Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu) and Forgiving What You Can’t Forget (Lysa TerKeurst).
Interestingly enough, there are parallels to approaching both levels of conflict, so we offer this top 10 list as a place to start.
1. Understand your own contribution to the conflict. Everyone has a part to play in a conflict. Naturally, you’ll feel the negative impact of someone’s behavior, but owning your mistakes is a game changer, eliminating the pesky defensiveness that makes everything worse.
2. Do you want the other person to kiss your feet and beg for mercy? If you’re anything like us, then yeah! But clearly that’s not happening, so you have some decisions to make. What does God want you to learn here? Who does God want you to be, and what kind of person do you want to be within this situation? How can you bear good fruit? How do you need to mature? Maybe you need to apologize for your part, or maybe you need to talk with someone about how to ask for the apology you desire.
3. Just because you want to be over it (and might claim to be) that doesn’t mean you are. When someone repeatedly says, “It doesn’t bother me anymore,” that’s a big red flag. Give yourself space and compassion to feel the feels; that’s fine! You might be angry, scared, hurt, resentful, and God certainly understands these valid emotions but doesn’t want you to hang out here forever. Our experiences of trying to squash down or judge negative emotions have been big fat failures. So if you aren’t over it, Amanda Box Law says you have to either work on the conflict or stop being mad. Pick one. If you need to have a conversation to clear the air, then decide what you want and plan how you’ll communicate it clearly.
4. Create an accountability team of one or two people who will love you, pray with you, and require mature behavior. It’s wise to discuss clear expectations so they know how to support you and so you can respect their boundaries. When the emotions spike and you fear a regrettable action, send the alert. Knowing that someone is aware of your struggle in real time helps you battle the demons. Your team will help you hit pause on reactionary behavior and may ask you to pray for the other person too.
5. Pray that God keeps you grounded in your identity and belonging, and understand that insecurities can be weaponized. When you are criticized, it’s far too common to camp out in the land of assumption. Don’t. Most likely, your criticizer doesn’t have all of the information and unconsciously put together a story that makes sense without checking facts. You can easily do the same. You might also assume that everyone has the same negative view, which puts the issue on a larger, longer-lasting scale. Because the most common reaction is avoidance, no one is talking to each other or checking facts. Far too often, the relationship ends, you both hang on to fiction, and the unresolved, negative emotions continue to be a serious energy drain.
6. Redirect your routine neuropaths. The science folks call it Notice-Shift-Rewire. When you catch yourself heading down the grouch path (notice), think of someone who affirms you (shift). Focus more on the validations than the criticisms, then edit out bad habits and create positive new ones (rewire).
7. Consider a purge of emotion. Sometimes throwing up is a big relief! Scream with someone you trust. Write a letter you’re never going to send and then burn it. Cry! Talk to Jesus like he is your best girlfriend. Research shows those types of actions can help you heal. Other great ideas include strong coffee, friends with retreat cabins, hammocks, and a few good imaginary funerals for burying the hatchet and the dashed hopes.
8. Identify triggers and find a strategy that works. While avoidance on its own isn’t a valid conflict management tactic in my judgment, it may help you deal with triggers. Try Facebook’s “see less” option to decrease your exposure to selected individuals. Maybe you need to redirect email to a trusted friend for a short time. Or maybe the trigger is a physical object; if so, give it to others who will use and enjoy it, and don’t worry about the monetary value or the family gift status.
9. When your brain is looping negative memories, do some physical activity to interrupt the loop. Walk in nature; God speaks loudest amid creation but is often muffled in the midst of concrete and noise. Consider reading, watching a movie, and other healthy escapes that bring you joy – whether on your own or with friends to offset the weight of the issue.
10. Forgiveness and healing don’t mean immediate trust and zero awkwardness. For the sake of this article, forgiveness means releasing the hold of the past while recognizing that healing takes time. Wise boundaries are healthy and take time to develop. I’ll take awkwardness over avoidance any day! And I promise it will get better.
Bonus: Drop the expectation of a perfect conversation or a perfect healing experience; both are unicorns in a fantasy forest. Yes, both the conversation and the healing process will be uncomfortable, but so what? At best, you are already uncomfortable. Invite God into the decision making and ask, “What’s the worst that can happen if I make this choice or have this conversation? What’s the worst that can happen if I don’t?”
How do you know you are getting over it or through it? Great question. After a conflict, you know you are making progress when your thoughts aren’t hijacked by the issue, when you don’t feel the need to bring up the subject with others as often, when you want good things for this person, when you can feel the intensity of the emotions getting lighter, and when it takes less of your energy.
Reflecting Jesus in this type of healing and reconciliation can feel offensive to those who would say, “Move on; they aren’t worth it.” Don’t buy into that. Start with yourself, make thoughtful decisions, and follow God’s lead into healthy reconciliation. Maybe the other person won’t hear or reconcile. Regardless, we still deeply desire to get through it in a godly way and to find some relief from the weight of it all. Wherever you are on your journey, we prayerfully hope this top 10 list has given you some solid actions to consider.
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Special thanks to the following for advice, content, and resources:
Ann Eckerd Bayliss, minister
Lauren Hance, Playwright, theologian
Chelan Metcalf, BSN, RN
Dr. Melanie Morris, psychologist
Dr. Jeanene Reese, associate professor of Bible, Missions and Ministry
Kim Rush, social worker
Kristie Sibley, chaplain
Dana Welty spends her days singing and dancing with five-year-olds while posing as a kindergarten teacher. She began her career in advertising and PR, but her love for children and changing the world called her to pursue education and pouring into souls. For the past 22 years, she’s taught high schoolers, preschoolers, and elementary kiddos, believing that we are all kindergarteners at heart – we need gold stars and Band-Aids. Dana grew up as the child of a minister and has served alongside her husband, George, in his various ministries through their 27 years of marriage. She holds a B.A. in communication/theatre and a master’s in education, both from Freed Hardeman University. She is grateful for her life in St. Petersburg, Florida.
