No Words

My neighbor Lesley and I are good friends and see each other often as our daughters play together constantly. For many weeks, I noticed that she was losing weight, but curiously never mentioned it - not one word. What people don’t talk about is just as important as what they do. As a minister, I’ve learned just to follow someone’s lead, so I didn’t mention it either. Finally though, the change was just so drastic, I felt weird about not saying anything. So one night I went to her house to watch TV with her and I said, “Hey, I know I haven’t said anything before, but for weeks, every time I see you, you are significantly smaller. You look great.”

Her face flushed, and she mumbled something unintelligible, put her head down and walked into the living room to sit down. I could tell she wasn’t mad, but wow, she really, really didn’t want to talk about it. So, I said, “No worries, I knew you hadn’t mentioned it, but now I understand just how much you don’t want to talk about it.” Big smile; we let it drop.

We watched our show together and as I started to leave, she opened up. Lesley began to share with me all the things she was thinking when someone gave her a compliment about losing weight. It was a painfully long list, going back to childhood experiences and including worries about the feelings of others who might be witnessing the conversation. She had worked hard to escape the negative body image deathtrap. One big important thing that was blocking her from having a response is how her two daughters would hear those comments and what it would teach them about what a good body looks like. She wants to teach them with her actions and responses that all bodies are good bodies. There seemed to be so many conflicting issues and I began to listen even closer to make sure I understood her concerns. So much so, that I had to ask if the weight loss was a positive thing for her, “Were you trying to lose weight? Did you do it on purpose?” She laughed and said, “Yes, I did it on purpose.”

Now, at this point, it’s clear that Lesley is just beyond uncomfortable accepting a compliment about her weight loss, has several compassionate fears about what accepting a compliment might do to someone else in the room who may be struggling with body image issues, and as previously noted, seriously doesn’t want to talk about it.

Lesley is my friend, not my client. She hasn’t asked me for help, but she was all churned up about the situation that is happening more and more frequently. So I asked, “Do you want me to help you with some words here?” I had no idea if she wanted help or not, but she responded, “Yes, I have no idea what to say!”

My not-so-innovative coaching advice included two things: affirm and move on. I told her to say, “Thanks, I’m training for a triathlon with a friend,” then move on to a different topic. That’s all you have to do. Possibly like me, you are incredulous that she hadn’t already thought of that on her own. The look on her face can only be described as hysterical relief. We both had a big laugh at my brilliant coaching.

Just like Lesley though, I’m continually impressed by the fact that people need words and we probably don’t know what’s underneath someone’s unexpected response. What seems simple to me is only simple because it’s not happening to me. We can get so paralyzed by the complications, the insecurities, the fears, the bruises from past failures, our defenses and the many other things that make up life’s big ball of yarn, that the actual conversation can be quite paralyzing.

Funny enough, our families were out together a couple of days after this incident and my husband said, “Lesley, you look great. You’ve lost weight, right?” She responded beautifully, just as I coached her, and we glossed right past the awkwardness and were on to other topics in a heartbeat. She did ask me later if that was a test. It wasn’t, but her response certainly showed tremendous progress.

Lesley says she still sometimes feels weird about just saying thank you, but saying thanks and leaning hard into talking about triathlon training changes the conversation from being about some warped standard of beauty to being about becoming stronger and accomplishing a goal. Mission accomplished!

All this to say, have compassion for when people respond in an unexpected ways to something you say, even a compliment. With spiritual experiences, bruises, and controversial issues, there is always much more below the surface. And if you repeatedly find yourself in an awkward situation, get an objective voice to help, and feel free to borrow my advice as well. Affirm and change the subject; these words will get you past lots and lots of awkward moments when you have no words.