Your Silence Will Not Protect You
A while back, I went through training to become a ropes course facilitator, and I was in seventh heaven out in the woods with a group of like-minded future team trainers. One challenge stands out.
Our task was to get the whole group of 10 people up a wooden wall that was 15 feet tall. There was a platform on the back of the wall where people could stand at the top; the front was just wood with no ropes or climbing-wall footholds. So we formulated a plan and successfully got nine people up and over the wall pretty quickly. That left one. Yes, we gave this honor to the tallest, youngest, most athletic guy. The plan for number 10 was this: get a running start, jump, and the people at the top would reach down, grab his arms, and pull him up. That’s right, yep, that was the plan. Google research tells me that NBA star LeBron James has a 40-plus-inch vertical leap. Clearly, we should have Googled and done a little math before we left number 10 at the bottom of the wall.
Number 10 got a great running start and took a big leap. The rest of us were at the top, cheering, with arms extended, ready to grab our hero and bring him home.
At this point, just picture cartoon Wile E. Coyote splatting into the side of a mountain with an equally disturbing human-body-meets-huge-wall thud, but without the music. I will never forget that sound; it was truly disturbing.
Not to be discouraged, number 10 pulled himself up amongst our cheery affirmations, and tried again, and again. Each time the human thud echoed horrifically in my ears. After the first time, I was concerned; after the second time, I was hoping his mother never found out. After the third time, I couldn’t take it and said, “How many times are we going to let him splat against this wall? This isn’t working; we need another plan!”
I still wonder how many times the group would have allowed number 10 to throw himself against that wall while we cheered for him. Didn’t anyone else see what was going on? Didn’t anyone else hear that awful thud of flesh meeting wooden wall? Even after I spoke up, the group looked at me with that dense “what?” expression. What could possibly be wrong with this plan?
I’m sure you are already connecting the dots. When are you keeping quiet when you suspect something isn’t working and why? Fill in the blank: “I didn’t say anything because ___________.”
I was uncomfortable.
No one asked my opinion.
I didn’t want to be the squeaky wheel.
I didn’t want to offend anyone.
I could be wrong.
Something else?
Who cares what I think?
I need to stay in my lane.
I don’t want to look stupid.
I don’t want to seem uncooperative.
I don’t want to be too much.
All of these answers are based on some level of fear. It’s normal, just not very productive. Once you acknowledge that it’s possible to speak up alongside the fear, great things can happen.
Remember, communication isn’t a sport, but it is a physical skill; it takes physical practice to become proficient. Since there are fewer opportunities to practice this skill day-in-day-out, the ability to speak up in an uncomfortable time is essentially a foreign language. Being uncomfortable throws you off balance and in a flash, all those pesky defensive behaviors are wreaking havoc. You have to physically practice hearing your own voice speaking up. No practice equals no confidence.
Practice allows good habits to become your default; this is the whole point. I offer this simple structure for you to practice in your daily conversations. Once your habit is set, you can quickly regain your balance in difficult conversations simply because you are familiar with your own voice using these very words.
Step 1: Affirm
Affirmation always goes a long way to establish you are on the same team, even if not on the exact same page. “I couldn’t agree more; a strong children’s ministry is absolutely a priority.”
Step 2: Use positive framing
Instead of this: “I’m worried about…”
Say this: Share what you want to accomplish. “In addition to having fun events, creating deep connection among our parents is really important.”Instead of this: “That won’t work.”
Say this: “One option to explore is…”Instead of this: “People don’t want to do that.”
Say this: “Would it be a good idea to ask a few key volunteers what they think?”Instead of this: “You have to…” “You should have…” “Why didn’t you…?” “Your mistake is…”
Say this: “Will you please…?” Just ask politely for what you want – without clenched teeth, of course.Instead of this: “We can’t.”
Say this: “What we can do is…”
Step 3
You actually don’t need a step three. Keep the conversation going by repeating steps one and two whenever needed.
I often recommend the book Crucial Conversations since the authors establish that the ability to handle an uncomfortable conversation is the common denominator across the very broad spectrum of effective leaders. Hmmmm, who knew? Think about the people you respect for their wisdom, experience, and positive influence. They’ve learned to regain their balance and to speak up when it seems like others will let poor number 10 keep bashing himself up against the wall forever.
Speaking of number 10, once I spoke up, the facilitators produced a couple of harnesses. We formed a human ladder of sorts and number ten was at the top with the rest of us in no time. I threw those facilitators a few squinty-eyed looks for their sneaky teaching tactics, but I certainly learned my lesson.
I only wish our problems were as simple as this one. They aren’t, which is even more reason to speak up sooner. However, I’m 1,000% sure that your silence will not protect you, and it certainly won’t help number ten.
We can learn to work and speak when we are afraid in the same way we have learned to work and speak when we are tired. For we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own needs for language and definition, and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us.
—Audre Lorde
