A Time to Speak, Part 1: Guilt

There is a point in pastoral conversations when people expect us to speak. This statement is admittedly obvious but, reflexively, I find it telling that the questions that usually catch me off guard are the direct and honest ones. Sometimes compassionate presence is enough. Sometimes all someone needs is a deep listening, empathetic ear. We know how much harm can occur when one bypasses a listening posture. But eventually there comes a time when we are expected to speak.

Some of the most acute spiritual concerns I encounter come in the form of honest questions or requests for input. A formally Christian woman who wants to know, specifically, why I believe in life after death. A man with a career in healthcare who feels like God has abandoned him at the end. And many remarks that aim to reconcile their loved one’s experience with their understanding of God’s providence. Sometimes these concerns do not develop beyond personal experiences to ponder, but other times the conversation is immediate, pointed, and a one-time opportunity to engage thoughtfully.

I would like to draw attention to two concerns and conversational opportunities that I see coming out of our current circumstances. [1] I’ll address one concern in this post and pick up the other, and perhaps more theologically laden one, later. I hope simply to encourage all working diligently in faith communities to continue in this valuable and thoughtful work.

The first area of concern is the increase in feelings of guilt among those who have lost a loved one during the time of the pandemic. I have conversations with people who have lost not one but several family members and friends in a short period of time. This situation can lead to bereavement overload, a condition occurring when grief overwhelms our capacity to cope. [2] At this point, we are well versed in the contributing factors that make a COVID-19 loss unique: limited or lack of access to a loved one, shock when a family is unprepared for the physical changes that have occurred, accelerated decline, exacerbated pre-existing symptoms among the elderly, [3] interrupted or limited death rituals, and guilt. Feelings of guilt revolve around questions as to whether or not they did right, struggling with their inability to be present, or knowing they cannot carry out a loved one’s wishes as they would have wanted. These feelings sometimes become compounded by anger directed at the situation, at regulations, at the living facility or hospital, and at the government. This is the situation.

So what is our informed response? As leaders, it is necessary to name specifically what we are really dealing with when someone comes to us with struggles around guilt. Toward that aim, I find it helpful to consider proportionate guilt versus disproportionate guilt. [4] Proportionate guilt refers to an action or event for which I must take responsibility. If I yell at my family after a long day, it is right for me to feel guilty about that, because my guilt is proportionate to my action. Disproportionate guilt is a feeling of guilt over something that I cannot reasonably take responsibility for or control. A prime example is, “I should have done more for my loved one,” even though this person did all they could considering the circumstances. Our effective response is contingent on our ability to discern the nuances in front of us.

Disproportionate grief can hold a powerful sway over us because it removes us from reality and compassion and leads us to dwell on our perceived failures. Regardless of whether the situation matches reality, the feelings are real. Validating the feelings is an important step toward healing. However, while I value multi-disciplinary insights, I don’t want to turn this discussion over to therapeutic approaches and gloss over the natural, and perhaps more sustainable, resources available to us as ministry leaders. Many of the necessary components in addressing guilt are implicit in Christian community. Acceptance, forgiveness, compassion, and perspective are all necessary companions for this topic, and they should already exist as cultivated traits of the church. I believe this is both hopeful news and a gentle reminder. There is encouraging potential for life-changing expressions of the gospel and discipleship. There is also a call to ground current discussions of church in something deeper than understandable anxiety around attendance fallout or preserving specific ecclesial forms and structures. Perhaps, in the call toward new ministry opportunities, the church will also find inspiration to move into the trenches from which many in our communities are still trying to emerge.

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[1] I base these thoughts on multi-disciplinary conversations within my team, reviews of current rapid review research, and my own observations from within a healthcare setting. I use the word opportunity because I know there is a tendency to equate the words need or concern with theologically unhealthy forms of individualism and consumerism. I want to avoid that pitfall while viewing genuine needs and concerns as locations within which to tangibly engage the gospel and within which to necessarily reflect theologically.

[2] Cyrille Kossigan Kokou-Kpolou, Jude Mary Cenat, and Manuel Fernandez-Alcantara, “Prolonged Grief Related to Covid-19 Deaths: Do We Have to Fear a Steep Rise in Traumatic and Disenfranchised Griefs?” APA (2020): 94-95.

[3] This is an anecdotal observation and is not meant to be a medical opinion.

[4] I draw these thoughts largely from the Texas and New Mexico Hospice Organization – 38th Annual Convention, 2020 and from Andrew Clark, “Working With Guilt and Shame,” Advances in Psychiatric Treatment (2012), 137-143.