One of the Family: Becoming a New Minister in a Small Church

“Keep a distance between you and your congregants.” “Don’t trust them.” “You can’t be friends with those to whom you minister.” This advice seemed wise while I was in seminary, but when I started to minister in a small congregation, I had to reconsider it.

Don’t get me wrong—I do believe there is some wisdom within these overstatements. Healthy distance is important for the emotional and spiritual health of any minister, and it is wise for ministers to avoid situations where congregants are their primary support. However, while the great “professional distance” that my professors promoted might be feasible in large churches, it is quite different in a small congregation.

Instead of stepping into a well-run business (this is not a knock against larger churches, but merely acknowledging that in large churches distance can be expected and isn’t felt as keenly), becoming a minister of a small church means, for better or worse, you have married into a family.

A new minister in a small church must learn the particular family dynamics, systems, and life patterns of the new family into which they have been called. And the minister had better learn quickly, or the first year will be a very wild ride. Contrary to the advice of my well-meaning professors, the enemy of ministry in a small church is distance. Henri Nouwen, in his reflections on Christian leadership writes,

As Jesus ministers, so he wants us to minister…, not as “professionals” who know their clients’ problems and take care of them, but as vulnerable brothers and sisters who know and are known, who care and are cared for, who forgive and are being forgiven, who love and are being loved. Somehow we have come to believe that good leadership requires safe distance from those we are called to lead…. Someone serves, someone else is being served, and be sure to not mix up the roles! But how can we lay down our life for those with whom we are not even allowed to enter into a deep personal relationship! [1]

Not only is distance the enemy of the new minister, but when ministering to a small church, especially a small church in a small town, distance is as much an option for the minster as darkness is for the sun. As the ’90s country song goes, “everybody knows everybody.” I can hardly go to the H.E.B. or any restaurant in town without bumping into a congregant. There is no distance in a small town or in small churches. The minister will and must be known unless he or she merely wishes to shut off all forms of human relationship. And if a new minister who comes to a small church as an outsider tries to keep a distance from his or her congregation, then such a minister will never be enough of an insider to be able to speak meaningfully into the lives of the congregants.

Ministers must know and be known by the people to whom they are called to minister. They must enter into the rhythms of life of the family which they have joined.

As with Jesus, only by becoming one of them will you be able to speak meaningfully to them. This is incarnational ministry. Only by becoming like them will you be able to speak the good news in words they can hear. Only by becoming one of the family will the minister be able to speak their language.

And becoming one of the family means becoming intimately involved in the lives and the community of those to whom you are called to minister. It means attending teen sporting events and going to the small-town football games even if you, like me, are not a sports fan (ministering to a church in a small Texas town means quickly learning to enjoy football games and maybe reading statistics on the Cowboys). It means weekly meals with congregants, learning their hobbies and interests, and sharing your passions and interests in return. If one does not become involved with the family, then how can one speak meaningfully into their lives on Sunday morning?

Family can be exhausting, and one’s first few weeks and months as the new minister of a small family of God can feel like an endless roller-coaster. In a small church family, there is no safety in numbers, no hiding among the crowd, and no avoiding the reality that everybody knows everybody and everything. While this can be taxing for a new minister, being a part of a small church family is also one of the most rewarding ministry experiences one can have. For being a minister at a small church means intimate community, genuine relationships, and traveling companions for the journey of faith. Family means celebrating the highs of a local team winning their sporting event, and it also means gathering after service for the dedication of prayer garden in memory of a family member lost too soon. A new minister at a small church has neither the option nor the curse of distance, because his or her calling to the church was not merely an offer of a paid profession, but also an invitation to become one of the family.

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[1] Nouwen, In the Name of Jesus (1989), 60-61.