I knew better.

I felt the urge to reach out to someone a few weeks ago, and I didn’t. After all, I didn’t really know this individual very well; I’d had only two conversations with her. I was unsure what to say or how I would be received, so I kept quiet. I didn’t want to overstep or seem nosy.

What complicated the situation was that we have daughters in the same grade, and their relationship wasn’t going well. 

Still, I knew better. 

Things with our daughters came to a head a couple of days ago, so I picked up the phone and called. It was a difficult conversation, but I’m so glad I called. We both shared, we both listened, and we both felt supported. Just so you know, the girls worked things out without undue interference from us. They needed guidance, but they did the work themselves. 

My takeaway from this situation – and the point of this article – is that I should have reached out sooner. I knew better, but I ignored my own instincts, experience, better judgment, and the work of the Holy Spirit. I’ve written multiple articles for Mosaic on variations of this same issue, mainly encouraging others to go first. Listen first, introduce yourself first, invite someone to lunch first, resolve issues first, and on and on and on. I’d like to think that I’m fairly consistent with these behaviors.

In this situation, I failed. I needed to apologize to her and I did just that.

In reflection, I believe that, because things weren’t going well with the girls, I was nervous about making things worse. That’s a reasonable fear, but not a paralyzing one. It’s a little pathetic how quickly we can censor our own words and actions.

When I felt the nudge to check in earlier, all I wanted to do was see how they were doing. I didn’t have a list of action items or suggestions for the girls. I just wanted this mom to know that I cared, but my silence communicated just the opposite. The silent treatment is always the worst communication plan.

Matthew 25 comes to mind, specifically Jesus’ teaching on the sheep and the goats. (Stay with me, I have the Amanda Box version of this passage below):

“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

“He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

“Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

Verses 35-36 and 41-43 are duplicates, with the people being separated as sheep (righteous) and goats (unrighteous). The separation is clear: people either helped those in need, or they didn’t. 

Indulge me as I rewrite this passage with a different set of needs. 

Then he will say to those on his left, “Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was super scared and worried about my child and you ignored us; I was hopeless and you never hinted that you cared; I was lonely and you did not invite me to anything—ever; I needed a friend and you already had plenty of friends; I was new to this church and to this city and no one noticed.”

My version of this passage will certainly not be accepted as scripture, nor should it be. Please use my failure to inspire action on your part. Will you be nervous sometimes? Sure. But the relational stakes are too high for those who say we love Jesus to leave people out there feeling alone. All we have to do is call or text with this phrase, “Hey, just checking in to see how you are doing.” That’s it. There is absolutely no excuse for not checking on others. I’ll leave you with verse 40: “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’”