I never wanted to be a minister. (There, I said it!)

In high school, I felt my first promptings towards ministry. As I’ve written before, in prayer I told God, “I’ll do anything you want me to do—go on mission trips, serve in the church, work as a deacon… But I’ll never preach or teach.” (The old Yiddish proverb is correct—Mann Tracht, Un Gott Lacht: “Man plans, God laughs.” And I wound up teaching middle school for three years, as well!) 

I ran from ministry for quite a while; I even went to seminary with no desire to be a minister… Yet God continued to work on my heart through people and situations, gently nudging and guiding me towards this path. Sometimes grumbling or kicking and screaming. And there are still times I find myself running from God today.

Recently, I was teaching on the story of Jonah. In the story, God calls Jonah and tells him to go to Nineveh, the new capital city of their hated enemies. (Indeed, the Assyrians would destroy and exile Israel approximately thirty years later.) But Jonah, who had served as a prophet under Jeroboam II, is described as vehemently denying this mission. The writer of Jonah states, “But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish” (Jonah 1:3). Jonah went to the farthest location they knew, to “the ends of the earth,” trying to escape his calling and God’s presence.

How often do we do the same? 

• Maybe we run from ministry. I spent years denying my calling and even more time trying to get out of it! Maybe yours isn’t paid ministry, but something you feel God prompting you to do—volunteering in a local school, becoming a foster parent, serving in a church ministry, joining a local civic organization to bring about some sort of change. Maybe you feel God’s gentle nudges, but you want to run the other way out of fear or fatigue or frustration.

• Maybe we run from sin and shame. We don’t want to admit our brokenness to anyone—especially not to church people!—and often not to God either. We sweep it under the rug, bottle it up inside, pretend it doesn’t exist, and get angry if anyone even broaches the subject. Like Adam and Eve, we try to hide from God when we recognize our vulnerability and exposure. 

• Maybe we run from relationships. We run from godly relationships because they require work, effort, sacrifice, and vulnerability. Intentionally grounding ourselves in a community of faith requires us to become known over time, yield to others, or invest in meaningful and intentional relationships. It is easier to stay in the shallow end than going deep with people.

What we find throughout Scripture is that people keep running from God—Moses’s denials to ministry, Gideon’s multiple requests for signs, Habakkuk’s questioning of God’s actions, Ananias and Sapphira trying to hide their deception… and we so often do the same in our own lives. Plus, we minister to people who are often trying to hide from God or obfuscate the truth.

Yet here is what we are also reminded time after time in Scripture: You are known by God, deeply and intimately. He knows your name, the number of hairs on your head, and the number of your days. He knows your sins and shortcomings. He sees the places we try to hide away more clearly than we can; you can’t pull the wool over his eyes.

The Psalmist states it this way—

1 You have searched me, Lord,
     and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
     you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
     you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
     you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
     and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
     Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
     if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
     if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
     and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
     the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
     you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
     your works are wonderful,
     I know that full well.

(Psalm 139)

Let those words seep into your heart and surround your soul. You are known by God. And you are loved. God loves you because he loves you, because God is love. Full stop. 

Now…

Are there places we need to grow? Absolutely! Are there areas of sin God wants to clear out of our lives? Certainly. Does God know that we have a lot of growing and changing and learning and adapting to do? Without a doubt! Are we “holy as God is holy”? No! But he still sees us that way because of the sacrifice of Jesus.

For those of us in ministry… God is with you, God knows you, and God loves you. Don’t ever forget it. Because we are often hardest on ourselves. And if you are running from God, God isn’t far from you; he’s right there with you. God knows you and God loves you. 

May you rest in that knowledge today.