What is Your Relationship with Fear?

In my group coaching sessions with women in ministry, I don’t lead with this question, but it inevitably comes up because leaders have fear just like everyone else. Leadership requires bravery and courage and the difference between the two is the presence of fear. 

I tend to be brave if I have the education, experience, or the expertise to do something. When I am not brave, I have to draw upon my courage, which always has an element of fear. 

The goal in effective leadership is not to eliminate fear but to make it a worthy partner. Fear is designed to be your friend until you make it your boss. 

Fear actually has a purpose—to keep you safe. Standing on the edge of a cliff and pulling back, not running across the freeway, not walking down that dark alley alone are all examples of fear keeping you safe. 

But we often give fear too much agency over our lives. 

I have some suggestions for what activates fear and some simple questions to ask as you decide if fear is trying to keep you safe or stuck. 

We all have a comfort zone, that invisible barrier between what we enjoy and what comes easily versus doing something that requires risk. For some, going to a party alone and interacting with strangers, applying for a job, making a public speech, singing a solo, or even answering the teacher's questions in class are outside of their comfort zone. The comfort zone is familiar and, well, comfortable because I know how to do everything there. In my comfort zone, I am not scared, anxious or nervous; I am confident. 

The flip side is that the comfort zone also keeps me small and insignificant. There is no learning, growing, or transformation there. All of the magic happens outside of my comfort zone. 

Declaring my major, getting married, and becoming a parent happened outside of my comfort zone. Anytime I tried something new, or achieved anything in life or work, I took a courageous step outside of my comfort zone. 

But I can't do so without facing fear, which lives on the border of my comfort zone, standing guard, protecting me, keeping me safe and, often, keeping me stuck. Once I step outside of my comfort zone, fear wakes up and sounds the alarm. In extreme cases, my heart pounds, my mouth gets dry, or I'm nauseous. Adrenaline surges through my body, my mind races, my skin gets clammy, my hands shake, and my knees get weak as fear desperately tries to get my attention. Other times, fear is all in my mind as I picture everything that could go wrong. 

Once I step outside of my comfort zone, fear has to shift because I am not listening to the alarms that it is sounding. Fear has to expand the borders of my comfort zone so that I can do that thing I am determined to do. 

This is when the magic happens. Because I have taken a bold step outside of my comfort zone, I now have a broader comfort zone. It doesn't mean that the next time I won't be scared, but I won't be AS scared as I was the first time. 

Public speaking is a great example. The first time most of us take the stage, we are terrified. The more you do it, the easier it gets, until you can speak publicly without fear. You still may not enjoy it, but you can do it, and with practice you can learn to do it well. 

So how do you know when you should listen to fear because it's trying to make you safe? How can you tell when you have made fear your boss? 

Ask yourself a few questions. 

Let’s say you have agreed to do public speaking. As it gets near, you become fearful to the point where you're ready to cancel the speech. Ask yourself: 

Do I know what I'm talking about? 
Did I prepare my speech? 
Did I practice my speech? 
Is my speech going to serve the listener in some way? 

Whatever questions you ask yourself, if the answers are “Yes,” then thank fear for being a worthy partner. If any of these answers are “No,” then thank fear for protecting you, and do what you need to do. Fear is your friend until you make it your boss. 

Let's say you want to make a significant change in your ministry, but fear is holding you back. Ask yourself: 

Have I prayed about this? Do I feel this change in direction is God-breathed?
Have I talked to some stakeholders to get their input and buy-in? 
Have I listened to their concerns and made changes? 
Have I thoroughly prepared for this change? Do I have the budget for it? Is the timing right? 

If the answers are ”Yes,” then thank fear for being a worthy partner. If the answer to any of these questions is “No,” then thank fear for protecting you, and do what you need to do. 

Do you need to involve others? Do you need to make sure the leadership of the church supports the change? Do you need to implement the change slowly? Fear can be your friend until you make it your boss. 

Unfortunately, all too often, we experience fear, and, rather than working through it by asking ourselves questions, we use it as the reason to be stuck. 

This is called fear-based leadership, when we choose to do nothing rather than work through the fear. When this happens, fear has gone from being your friend and partner to being your boss. Yet, you wonder why nothing is changing, or getting better. 

There are so many scriptures about fear. This is one of my favorites: "Do not fear for I am with you. Do not be afraid for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

We serve a faithful God, a God who walks with us through the boundary of the comfort zone, a God who reminds us we are never alone. 

To God be the glory.