The spaghetti marshmallow game is a famous activity used to teach group dynamics. It was created by Peter Skillman, who wanted to discover why some groups worked together successfully and others did not. 

In the game, a group is given 20 sticks of spaghetti, one yard of tape, one yard of string and one standard-sized marshmallow. Each team has a few minutes to build the tallest free-standing structure using just the materials supplied to each group. The marshmallow must be attached to the top of the structure you build. As you can imagine, lots of dynamics come into play as the team tries to problem-solve together.

Researchers have used this activity with a variety of groups: business school students, CEOs, architects, lawyers, and kindergartners. Do you have a prediction of which group performs the best? If you chose architects, you would be correct. This is good news, right? However, architects aside, the kindergarteners out-performed all the others time after time. It’s true. Business students were consistently in last place, then lawyers, then CEOs. Does that blow your mind?[1]

Let’s take a look at the group dynamics that consistently allowed the five-year-olds to out-perform all the big-brained adults.

1. While the business students spent the majority of their time planning, the kindergartners just started trying things. Planning is, of course, a rational and intelligent thing to do, but in the end, it wasn’t nearly as successful. In addition, while the business school students appeared to be collaborating, they were also managing status, figuring out who was in charge, assessing the safety of criticism, and navigating group rules/norms.

2. Interestingly enough, the children didn’t even talk that much. The conversation that did take place occurred in short bursts of commands and observations.

3. Proximity was consistent across the kindergarten groups as well; they stood close together as they worked. They were unconcerned with status, quick to experiment and to notice outcomes.

4. Essentially, the children were building prototypes, quickly learning what worked and what didn’t. When something didn’t work, they immediately tried a new method. Business school students have been trained to plan, not test, and so they ran out of time. Structures created by business students were around 10 inches high, while the structures created by the children were more than twice as tall, around 26 inches. 

While there are lots of lessons to be learned from this research, for us as church leaders, the big take-away here is that while we often focus on individual skills, what matters most is group interaction. Groups that function well together have a consistent way of working together. Like the kindergartners, the common features are centered around small moments of interaction (The Culture Code, 8):

• Close and consistent physical proximity, often in circles

• Lots of eye contact

• Physical touch, handshakes, fist bumps, hugs

• Lots of short, energetic exchanges (no long speeches)

• High levels of mixing, everyone talks to everyone

• Few interruptions

• Intensive, active listening

• Humor, laughter

• Good manners (saying thank-you, opening doors…)

As church leaders, do we even pay attention to these things? Clearly, we should. This is such a simple list, basic even, but it is absolutely the game changer. These communication patterns are consistently present in any group that works well together, including families, engineers, military groups, comedians, movie makers, etc. When church leaders are more intentional about this list, strong and trusting relationships form. We don’t have to all be best friends, but we do have to function well together to lead our church families. Relationships are what connect us and hold us together during difficulties. We can’t fall into the same trap as the business students building the spaghetti tower, worrying about status, rules, and who can do what. That behavior fails every time because the focus is on the wrong thing.

Let’s go back over the list.

• Close and consistent physical proximity, often in circles

• Don’t be afraid to rearrange furniture. People always laugh at me when, while wearing heels, I’m dragging tables and chairs to form a circle, yet I’m stubborn about doing just that. It makes every difference for the meeting. Jesus and the twelve spent lots of time in close proximity, traveling, sharing meals, engaged in conversation…

• Lots of eye contact

• Begin to observe your own behavior and that of others. People typically mirror behavior, so go first. Jesus and the apostles didn’t have phones, so maybe we should follow their lead and give our screens a rest during conversation.

• Physical touch, handshakes, fist bumps, hugs

• When people are relaxed and connected, you will see these things. Again, go first. I don’t think it’s a stretch at all to think about Jesus and the twelve showing joy with hugs and first-century fist bumps after people were healed, demons cast out, nets were full of fish…

• Lots of short, energetic exchanges (no long speeches)

• The higher your word count is, the lower your credibility is. Jesus wasn’t that wordy. There are literally millions and millions of words to explain what Jesus said, but he was seriously efficient with words.

• High levels of mixing, everyone talks to everyone

• I know everyone has their favorite elder, but branch out with curiosity and connection to broaden the interaction of the group. Jesus intentionally sought out the outcasts. We can absolutely do better.

• Few interruptions

• Can you intervene for someone who is being interrupted? Circle back and ask them to finish their thought. If you’re like me and are pretty chatty, can you commit to eliminating the bad habit of interrupting others? Going back to Jesus’ example, people are less likely to interrupt us if we talk less.

• Intensive, active listening

• Listening is absolutely the most validating thing you can do for another human. The most Christ-like people in your church are great listeners.

• Humor, laughter

• We have serious challenges, but it’s always good to take ourselves a little less seriously. God created laughter; it’s a proven stress reliever and an under-utilized gift.

• Good manners (saying thank-you, opening doors…)

• Make your mother proud. You can never go wrong with the golden rule.

The great news is that amongst all the challenges we face as church leaders, this list is completely doable. I pray God’s greatest blessings for your church leadership and hope this article is helpful. Your communication evangelist is cheering you on!