The Complicated Task of Forgiveness
The holidays can bring up a myriad of emotions. When we think about Christmas, we often think about bright, colorful displays that keep popping up in the stores earlier each year. Red and green, shiny packages, happy families, nativity scenes, and Christmas carols often represent the season for us. However, for any who have experienced hurt or loss, the season can have darker undertones at times as memories flood into our minds of what should, or should not, have been. Those who have experienced complicated grief often find themselves wrestling once again with those emotions around the holidays. While this type of grief is not limited to people who are mourning the physical loss of someone, when loss, sorrow, regret, betrayal, and anger are combined with mourning the loss of a loved one, things become complicated.
Jesus, as fully human and fully divine, experienced all of these emotions. His apostles were not always reliable, they did not seem to support him at times, and in his greatest time of need all but John abandoned him. Judas, one of the twelve, betrayed him to Jewish authorities. Jesus had to work through these human emotions the same as anyone else. God created us; he knows exactly how we work because that was by design. Jesus experienced these same emotions, and with the help of the Holy Spirit he navigated them, just as we must. As we face difficult things, we can be reassured that God has already provided for our need.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus taught about forgiveness. In Matthew 6:14-15 he said, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (ESV). This is a challenging statement because by our human nature we often do not want to forgive wrongs against us. Jesus increased the challenge, though, by describing just how much forgiveness we should offer. Jesus said in Luke 17:3-4 that, if a brother repents, we should forgive him up to seven times a day. Then, when asked by Peter in Matthew 18:21 if he should forgive his brother seven times, Jesus replied, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times” (ESV). It is ironic that Jesus had to live out that very forgiveness with regard to Peter. Even after warning Peter that he would deny him, Jesus gave Peter the opportunity in John 21:15-23 to make amends for those denials as he reinstated him. Jesus not only taught Peter in word, but he also demonstrated radical forgiveness. What could have easily crushed Peter was healed, and Peter became a leader in the early church.
We live in a broken world that is filled with broken people. The number of people who have experienced difficult things is much higher than we often anticipate. Everyone is facing something that we do not even know about, and it is sometimes helpful to assume that they are just doing the best they can. Sometimes hurt people can hurt people, and we ourselves may have been on the receiving end of their previously experienced hurt. Evil is pervasive and present;harm to and neglect of those who should have been protected and valued is, sadly, not uncommon. Answers do not always come, and sometimes restoration and peace cannot be found while the other person is still living. We are challenged by Jesus’ words to forgive, but sometimes we cannot seem to forgive. Forgiveness may even seem unwise because we are often told we must “forgive and forget.” But in some cases we must not forget for the safety and well-being of ourselves and others.
In complicated cases, when we offer forgiveness, we have to remember that it is simply that—an offer. In John 5:2-8, Jesus asked the man by the pool of Bethesda if he wanted to be healed. We all have free will and do not have to accept any offer of grace. When we attempt forgiveness, we are simply making an offer, as Jesus did many times to the crowds, but it is not within our power to make it be accepted. Some simply are not in the right place to work through their emotions, face what they have done, or accept forgiveness. Once someone has died, when we offer forgiveness it is not of benefit to that person, but instead we can see the true benefit to ourselves of forgiveness. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Forgiveness is a radical, counter-cultural act. However, it is also the recognition of what Christ has done in our lives. Just as the one leper returned to thank Jesus in Luke 17, we are recognizing the grace that we ourselves have received. While forgiveness is merciful, those who have forgiven have also experienced the peace that it brings.
