Pocket Phrases

“I didn’t know what to say.” I hear this all the time and I totally get it. We don’t want to say the wrong thing, so we don’t say anything at all. It makes sense. 

When people are even slightly uncomfortable, they can freeze; it’s simply a defense mechanism. The cliché “like a deer caught in the headlights” is alive and well for a reason; being still and quiet feels safer. The sheer volume of apologies I personally have voiced concerning my own regretful comments is impressive. In my defense, as a communication trainer, I’m in front of people for hours at a time, so the probability goes up for verbal mistakes. It’s an awful feeling to know my words were too sharp or too insensitive—and that I’ve inflicted wounds, no matter how slight. When I’m silent, I’m protecting myself from the pain and embarrassment of making a mistake, and I’m also trying to protect another person from getting hurt.

Haven’t we all been the sender or the receiver in this scenario? One friend of mine has post-traumatic shock because she asked a non-pregnant person when her baby was due. OUCH! We jump at the chance to tell the stories that begin with, “You aren’t going to believe what they said to me.” Words are powerful and those awkward situations leave bruises. 

Isn’t it better to just keep quiet? 

No. It’s not.

When we don’t know what to say, it’s often a red flag that a deeper conversation needs to take place. If you decide that keeping quiet is the better choice, I totally trust you. If the stakes are low and it’s a simple social situation, being quiet may very well be the best decision. However, keeping quiet because you don’t know what to say isn’t a decision, it’s a defense, and all too often it contributes to the behavior we already don’t know how to address.

Through the years of coaching people with presentations, conflicts, interviews, and media training, I’ve developed a great tool called the pocket phrase. Pocket phrases are words you keep in your pocket. By creating pocket phrases, the words are handy, in our pocket, ready to go. The idea is to create habits of diplomacy with words. Habits are always going to win; people do not rise to the occasion, they fall back on habits. When we feel uncomfortable, nervous, or stressed, our communication is nervous and stressed, too. If we have a few pocket phrases handy, we can transition that awkward moment into a conversation without escalating it into a conflict. Now, that would feel great, right?

So below I offer you a few pocket phrases and the scenarios in which I use them. Take this concept and think about your awkward moments, times when you don’t know what to say but would like to speak up. You are welcome to the ones below, but I’m confident you can come up with your own once you grasp the structure.

Pocket Phrase	Scenario
I get that. That’s intense.	These two work in almost any situation and never fail. Neither means that I agree, but both are sincerely validating responses, and they communicate that I’m listening.
Here is one option…	I’m often the only communication person in the room and don’t want to overstep with the decision makers. This phrase helps me retain my support role while being assertive. This phrase also saves me from saying, “That won’t work.”
Thank you for bringing that up. That’s a good point. I hadn’t thought of that.	When someone is bringing up a point that I might perceive as a criticism, these pocket phrases keep my defensiveness down, help me get useful information, and facilitate open lines of communication. If the comment is a criticism, it’s in my best interest to hear it so I can ask clarifying questions and get a clearer idea of the situation. That way, I can decide what/if adjustments are needed.
I like the intensity of this conversation.	I fully believe we need more intense conversations; we simply make better decisions this way. However, I understand this can be really uncomfortable for others. This phrase communicates, “Hey, this is healthy. We aren’t being chased by lions. Adults have intense conversations.”
Will you tell me what you are thinking about…?	Instead of “Why do you want to do that?”, this is my pocket phrase when someone makes a comment that makes absolutely no sense to me. When this happens, I’m likely to label the comment as a dumb idea, which easily leads to a character slam. To outsmart that, I use this pocket phrase and it always delivers. This is an invitation for someone to share and always provides helpful and thoughtful context for the comment. While I might not agree, I don’t think the idea is dumb because I can see the progression that led to the statement.
What is the downside? How has this affected you?	When someone disagrees with my decision, I use either phrase to get more information. Shocker, people aren’t the best communicators, and these invitations help someone clarify and explain.
Will you please...	This phrase replaces, “You have to…” “You should have…” “Why didn’t you…?” “Your mistake is…” People get so angry about what others didn’t do but have rarely asked clearly for what they want or need. I’m on a one-person campaign to help people simply ask for what they need/want. This one is deceptively effective and outsmarts a great deal of conflict.
What I can do is...	This pocket phrase replaces, “I can’t, we can’t, you can’t….” There is always something I can do. This phrase communicates that I’m listening, and that I desire to be cooperative and helpful.
Share what you want to accomplish.	Instead of “I’m worried about…” or “That won’t work,” share what you want to accomplish. Try saying something like this: “In addition to having fun events, creating deep connection among our clients is really an important goal of this project.”
I need to explain this better.	This one is almost always true and beats the living daylights out of “You are missing the point,” which is really insulting. No doubt, this one will save lots of relationships.
Would it be a good idea to ask a few key people what they think?	Once again, this saves me from throwing accusations around such as “That won’t work” or “No one is going to want to do that.” Since I’m rarely the decision maker, this allows me to diplomatically bring in other credible opinions when I think there is tunnel vision in the room.
Ask for concrete information.	Many times when I’m helping clients work through conflict, they tend to share assumptions. It’s audible in sentences like “They just like to be difficult. They just have to be in control. They don’t like me.” I ask questions like, “What did they say, exactly? What did you see?” These types of concrete questions help me discern between facts and assumptions.
Because I'm defensive of all of you…	When I’m worried that an action/message will be misperceived by others with negative consequences, I use this phrase to introduce my concerns. It is always my goal to help others communicate with credibility and to increase connection and respect.
Would you like me to write a draft?	I confess ulterior motives on this one. If I don’t trust someone to say or write something effectively, this phrase helps both of us. I get to frame the message while inviting others in to edit.
Are you feeling ________________?	While some want to keep emotions out of all things professional, I don’t find this helpful or honest. We don’t stop being people because we are at work. By understanding emotions, we can outsmart a situation that is likely to escalate. I offer a couple of words like frustrated or concerned to fill in this blank, but mainly I want them to know I care and that I’m listening.
Hey, will you tell me what happened so I can understand?	Keep this one close; it applies to lots and lots of situations and, like all open-ended questions, communicates that you are listening.
How do you see things?	This one is great for meetings when one or two people haven’t said anything at all. Remember, people don’t speak up due to a variety of reasons, not because they have nothing to contribute. Often, people just need a quick invitation.

While this isn’t an exhaustive list, it will get you started towards creating a useful skill. The intent of these little pocket phrases is simply to equip you with a diplomatic way to open the lines of communication and to acknowledge that everyone has a point of view worth hearing. The next step is to simply listen and see where the conversation goes. The beauty of the pocket-phrase method is its invisibility. No one is going to say, “Great pocket phrase!” They will just respond because you have bridged a potentially awkward moment, facilitated a deeper conversation, and probably outsmarted a conflict. When this happens, congratulations, winner winner chicken dinner! 

And if you do end up saying something you regret, call me because I totally get that.