Okay, people. You know who you are. At the very hint of conflict or difficult conversation, you bring out your special smile and look for the nearest hiding place while mumbling, “Where is that invisibility cloak when I need it?” or maybe, “Fine, I’m fine, I’m totally fine.” Then you ruminate for a week or two about what to say and how to say it, because you are most decidedly NOT fine. While I fully acknowledge that conflict is difficult, let’s get some perspective. God parted the Red Sea, shut the mouths of the lions, and rolled away the stone. Yes, the anxiety is absolutely real, but you can feel anxiety and speak up too. I promise, God will get you through this conversation. Here are five truths are for you.

1. You live and breathe, so you matter, which means you have every right to speak up. Period. It’s a very common feeling to think you shouldn’t speak up. It’s quite possible that everyone except you wants you to speak up. So ask for what you need. If I’m not thirsty, I may not realize you need a drink of water.

2. Name what your real fears are. Put them on a list. Is each thing a reality, or do you just fear it might happen? Bad things happen, yes. Maybe even the worst happens. I’m here to assure you that there isn’t anything we can’t work through if one or both are willing to be persistent in preserving the relationship. I’ve seen God heal too many times to write off any situation as impossible. Understand the fear can have such a choke hold that you are essentially paralyzed, quite literally, making the situation far worse on every level.

3. When you do speak up, talk more loudly and more slowly. I know this might seem ridiculous, but when your brain hears a confident voice, it makes a big difference. IT WILL SOUND LIKE A FIRE ALARM IN YOUR HEAD, so prepare to be uncomfortable. But I would bet you my last Diet Coke that no one else will bat an eye; they will simply continue the conversation. I dare you to try it.

4. Practice using specific phrases when things are awkward in your everyday conversation but aren’t yet a full-blown conflict. I call these pocket phrases. The more you hear your own voice using the actual words, the more normal it will be for you. Since we don’t practice managing conflicts every day, the shock of being thrown into one can throw us off balance, and withdrawal or silence can become our go-to defense. Phrases like, “I get that and have some concerns,” or, “Let’s make a pros and cons list,” or, “My experience has been ___.” If the very thought of speaking up immediately is just something you can’t do right now, I get that. Understand though, that the longer you wait, the harder it will be. If you normally need two weeks to work up the courage to bring up a difficult conversation, decrease that time to one week. Any decrease is a big step in the right direction. You can still use the same pocket phrase after you remind people about the topic. “Last week, you brought up the possibility of taking a new job, which would mean a move. Let’s make a pros and cons list.”

5. Talk less, just be clear. Do you have to talk about everything? Nope!! For those of you with a low word count, this should be good news. But Amanda Box law says that you either deal with the conflict or get over it. Pick one and create a plan for how you want to proceed. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that no one notices you’re upset. They aren’t buying it and would much rather you go ahead and speak up, than to pretend nothing is wrong.

If you are making progress on any of these five areas, you are doing great! I’m seriously proud of you. I understand the fear that can silence the strongest of concerns, and God understands too. I pray that God puts words in your mouth, and courage in your heart with the solid understanding of how the Lord provides abundantly.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
Let Israel say:
“His love endures forever.”
Let the house of Aaron say:
“His love endures forever.”
Let those who fear the LORD say:
“His love endures forever.”
When hard pressed, I cried to the LORD;
he brought me into a spacious place.
The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?
The LORD is with me; he is my helper.
I look in triumph on my enemies. (Psalm 118:1-7)