At some point your church will split. It may not be official, but it will happen. Leaders decide not to change certain things and people leave. Or you decide to change things and people leave. Sometimes (though rarely) it is an organized leaving. Or it may be a “trickle out” happening. But when you change the basic nature of your church, people leave. Or you will not change anything for any reason and people leave.

But here are three things you need to remember when people leave your church.

People do not leave because they are not smart enough to understand your position. I know it is frustrating to clearly explain and teach why you will not do certain things, yet everyone does not get it. It is tough to clearly explain why things are changing and still have a number of people not get it. That doesn’t mean they aren’t smart enough to understand. It may just be that they don’t agree with your interpretation. They may interpret the Bible differently or may believe that if God wanted to bind something, he would have said so. But that does not make them less intelligent.

And you cannot get mad or frustrated when they don’t agree. It may be clear to you, and even the rest of the leadership, but it may not be clear to others. People have different ways of looking at Scripture, but that doesn’t mean someone is smarter. So do not be condescending or arrogant about your decisions. And don’t get mad when you confront leaders and they don’t change their decision. Perhaps you just have different views of Scripture.

Second, people who disagree with you love the Lord just as much as you do. Even if you are convinced that the decision is wrong and that it’s serious enough for you to leave does not mean the leaders do not love the Lord. They are doing what they think God wants. And people who leave over decisions may actually be leaving because they do love the Lord.

To judge people’s heart or motives is wrong. I will concede that people can love the Lord and still be wrong. Those who make decisions can love the Lord and be wrong, even wrong in ways that damage the kingdom. And people who leave can be wrong, even while still loving God.

Third, please be careful when affirming that your decision is because the Holy Spirit is clearly leading you. That of course implies that anyone who disagrees with your position is opposing the Holy Spirit. That is a serious charge. I am not saying the Holy Spirit is not leading the decision, and I think it appropriate to talk about it. But words matter. So does tone. I am not sure about all this implies, but I do know that when the Holy Spirit is clearly leading his people, then the fruits of the Holy Spirit are evident.

Storming out of the assembly seems not of the Holy Spirit. Yelling at people who disagree seems contrary to being led by the Spirit. Lying about people or assigning unchristian motives does not lead to joy, peace, kindness, or ... well, you get the idea.

Church splits should always have a lot of tears. Even broken hearts. Family splits are terrible.

When leaders make hard decisions – and they will – do it in ways that honor the Holy Spirit. Explain it. Love those who do not agree. Work to find a way to agree to disagree. And for those who do leave, do it in love and peace.

Let’s agree on this: we all try to follow what God says in Scripture, we all love God, and we all want to be full of the Holy Spirit. And sometimes we disagree so much that we can’t all worship in the same congregation.

But maybe we can figure out how to still be family.

Because we are.