For elders who are facilitating gender inclusion, the answer is not for me to be less. I’m back again as your friendly communication evangelist to encourage and thank you for wherever you are in the inclusion process.

Last month I wrote about the dynamics of elders’ meetings for female ministers. After this, I sincerely tried to put myself in your place, and my gut tells me that many elders might be asking, “What exactly do you want from us?” This is a fair question. This is new territory for all of us, and it requires some necessary negotiation as we discover how to work with each other in this space previously forbidden to females. While I am not the official ambassador for all Church of Christ female ministers, my prayer is that my thoughts will create some curiosity and productive conversations for your leadership team.

In the face of this highly controversial gender inclusion process, you have been obedient to Jesus, understanding all the difficulties, conflict, and mayhem that may have already ensued. I understand that in a way that reaches my bone marrow, and I’m grateful. You’ve done this because of Jesus, the church you love, and your God-given steadfast courage. I do not take these things for granted. I’m 51 years old though, and my younger sisters grew up in a different generation, requiring less gratefulness. If they are still in the Church of Christ, it’s no small victory. I believe that we are all still here because we deeply love our church and simply can’t say “no” to God who asks us to serve at this time. God knows it would be much easier to do something else.

The best compliment I ever received was when someone told me that I was as tough as a boiled owl (yes, I plan to cross stitch that on a pillow). I have outlasted 11 different staff members and a myriad of ministry ups and downs. I don’t need you to protect me, but I do need you to understand me. In an environment where we have taken strong steps toward gender inclusion, there are still many who have a hard time seeing me as an equal alongside male ministers. My face, my voice, and my leadership make them uncomfortable, fearful, and sometimes angry.

My critics want me to be less, but that isn’t the answer. As a minister, I am called to be obedient to God, not a comfort zone – not even my own! Sigh.

So what exactly do I want from you as an elder? Leadership.

I need you to lead. That is the answer. I need you to lead in a way that creates a team where all of us, elders and ministers, are leading beyond our own capabilities.

Is your leadership team, including elders and ministers, a cohesive, high-trust team, or simply some good people who have meetings? What is your leadership team’s culture? Do you like each other? Is there verbal appreciation? Even a text goes a long way to encourage your fellow elders and ministers. Others can provide resources better than I can, but we all know a strong, cohesive, positive team won’t happen without some intentional leadership. Your church family takes its cues from the leadership team exactly like children take cues from their parents.

Can you personally handle conflict? Can your leadership team handle conflict and tackle a challenge in a way that you all want to be on the same team afterwards? I find that most people are massively afraid of a difficult conversation reflecting a distinct fear of not just pain, but of simply being uncomfortable. We have to require more of ourselves or our churches simply will not survive.

Are you growing spiritually? Are your ministers growing spiritually? We can’t assume this is happening. We must find out.

I need you to make sure the whole staff is getting the training they need. Do they need a leadership coach, a spiritual director, a mentor? Yes, they need all of these things at some point, no matter what they say, and you do too. Again, the resources are plentiful and affordable. As my elder, you are my boss, and while some may disagree, you are not in a position to be my confidant. Your ministers, regardless of gender, need trained professionals to avoid all the unhealthy ministry toxins that will require you to fire up yet another search committee, causing your church family to feel the rejection and abandonment of one more minister. Give all of your ministers the tools they need to lead beyond their capabilities. For women, walking the authority tightrope of being obedient to God and tolerable to church members can be exhausting, and every minister has unique and highly personal challenges.

Thank you for sticking with me this far. If you are still reading, you are already leading. Max out that instinct and refuse to be passive. In our church structure, where we don’t have an official head elder, it can cause many gifted leaders to hold back. We simply can’t afford that during such a critical time as this, when people need Jesus so badly in a culture that is increasingly uninterested in church. Your church family and our communities are starving for strong, healthy, Godly, leadership. Jesus exemplifies leadership as the ultimate service, full of humility, totally relying on God to provide. Again, the answer is not for your female ministers to be less; it’s for all of us to lead in such a way that only God’s name can be praised.

My prayers and gratefulness are with you as you grow your leadership team.

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For additional resources, my go-to for elders is Hope Network, and my go-to for spiritual direction is eleven:28.

This article is part of an ongoing series for elders who are leading their churches through gender inclusion processes. Find the rest of the series here.