I call myself the communication evangelist. As a 25-year veteran communication professor and consultant, helping people talk to each other has always been my personal ministry long before I was asked to join a church staff. After going through the gender inclusion process with my own church, I still grieve that we lost a lot of people even though I’m convicted it was a step we had to take to follow Jesus. After the dust settled, I analyzed what went well and what didn’t, and my belief about the importance of effective communication grew exponentially. That’s my motive for writing this series: to help elders who are facilitating gender inclusion to strategize for more effective communication.

Authority was a pervasive concern as I talked with those who were upset about gender inclusion. “The man has to be the leader,” I kept hearing. I honestly had no idea this was such a big deal, but I was decidedly wrong. As you map out your plans, studies, and timelines, prepare for lots of conversations, and be ready to share Jesus’s teachings on leadership and authority. For a theological breakdown on 1 Tim. 2 that also deals with Jesus’s teaching on authority, this podcast is a good resource.

Below, I offer some suggestions for how to talk with people who are willing to engage with you in exploring the issue. I’m not attempting to deal with the theology—just your conversation. Many people are just now facing the possibility that their life-long ideas about men, women, and church are being seriously challenged as unscriptural. This is so hard, and we have to understand that many (maybe most) really don’t want to deal with it. As with any conversation, listening and sharing are essential. I suggest you read this article first.

One of the reasons I had no idea that this idea of authority was such a big thing was because so few of us actually do what we say we believe between 10:30 and 11:30 a.m. on a Sunday. During this holy worship hour, who can do what is a church-splitting crisis. Outside that hour, I observe no one following that philosophy. Understandably, few people expect male headship in the professional world. However, if we follow this logic along with the Scripture used to support such hierarchy within marriages and families, then males would be the undisputed dominant decision-makers.

As I listened to my upset friends, they shared how important it is for the man to be the leader. Yet I knew these people well and knew that’s not how their marriages worked. I honestly don’t know of any marriage that works that way, no matter how conservative they are on gender inclusion at church. My parents made decisions together; my grandparents made decisions together. Because husbands and wives love and respect each other, they work together to make decisions, often deferring to each other for a variety of respectful reasons. If you ask any marriage counselor, read any leadership book, and look at Jesus, who is our undisputed authority, then you find a common thread: “The last shall be first, the first shall be last.” To lead is to serve.

The point of sharing the above is that we have to talk about what authority means and why that matters in our church families. The same goes for leadership. Are we accepting Jesus’s definition of authority and leadership or the world’s hierarchical definition of office and leadership, which is another way of defining power and prestige? We balk at other religions with hierarchical structures that limit who can do what, yet aren’t we doing the same thing? Jesus displayed leadership by rejecting these worldly definitions of power and leadership, offering the ultimate sacrifice on the cross and washing his disciples’ feet, among many, many other examples.

Even if someone is adamant about the importance of male authority, you probably first need to deal with praying and reading Scripture during the worship hour and how that is falsely tied to authority. If I’m praying, I’m going to God with praise and requests on your behalf. How is that authoritative? If I’m reading Scripture, I’m not even using my own words, so how is that authoritative? Communion is a third sacred cow in the suspect authoritative lineup. Again, how is it authoritative to share thoughts or to pass plates? There are other actions and deeper issues represented by these activities, of course. But I’m assuming that, if you are just beginning the gender inclusion process, these activities are your frontline issues. The good news is that if you can talk with people who believe deeply that a male must be in charge, and can persuade them that these particular actions show no authority, then this is a big step in the right direction to opening dialog by simply sharing Jesus’s teachings on leadership and authority.

Giving these things the proper perspective is critical. We must look to Jesus to see how he defined leadership, how unconcerned he was with holding office, and how passionate he was about bringing people in, not keeping people out.

Shepherds, I am praying for you, as are many others. Please reach out if I can be of service to you.

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This article is Part 4 in an ongoing series for elders who are leading their churches through gender inclusion processes. Find the rest of the series here.