When you’re ready to abandon ship

There was a time I was ready to throw in the towel in ministry and with churches altogether. My frustrations with churches had grown to a dangerous level and were ready to implode in my weary soul. The voices of failure and inadequacy had taken over my mind and were beginning to affect my daily life as a Christian, husband, father, student, and minister. The year was 2007 when I began my descent into the wilderness of my spiritual journey. I wasn’t aware of such a descent until it was too late and my inner life began to spiral out of control. My wife and my children began to feel the brunt of it, and it was not going to end well if something wasn’t done quickly. I was ready to abandon ship in the ministry. I didn’t care where I was going; I was just ready to jump out of the ship.

When fear pulled me under

I began to further my education at Lubbock Christian University in the fall of 2007. While not being fully aware of the state of my soul, I began the semester with what seemed to be a breath of fresh air. This would later turn out to be the solution to the nameless inner struggle I was mostly unaware of growing inside me--both vaguely noticed and ignored at the same time. The fear of failure and inadequacy crept back into the battlefield of my soul and grew. My daily and weekly assignments, life with family, and the day-to-day congregational ministry responsibilities buried the war within. There was no contemplating of this war within, for how do you face a struggle head on when you’re not even aware that it exists?

My daily fears continued to pull me under and undermine everything that I tried to accomplish. I would often wonder where all of this fear was coming from and why it was such a hindrance to my daily life. The fear kept pulling me further under in all areas of my life. I was afraid of losing my job as a preacher every time I preached on Sunday; I was afraid of failing as a husband, father, and student; and I was afraid of what others would think of me as I failed. I was just afraid of everything. This is when fear began to pull me under and deeper into depression and despair.

“What are you afraid of, Trent?”

During my second year of classes, the fear and anxieties began to worsen. They began to really show in my life with others. Those close to me would ask questions that would intimidate me, and I would respond with masked answers. These kinds of responses went on for quite some time. After a few classes with a particular professor, things began to really surface. I could tell that my professor from these two classes was discovering something about me. I could tell that he knew there was an inner struggle that was ready to explode. He began to ask me questions in class and after class that made me think. These questions terrified me because they dealt directly with my fears that had pulled me under.

One afternoon, he asked me to come by his office and talk for a minute, so I did. As our conversation began, he asked me some direct questions. “What are you afraid of, Trent?” When I heard that question, the door of my soul closed immediately and I responded with my usual masked answers. The conversations continued into what would be an eventual uncovering of the silent war that had been raging for so long. I soon began to learn what I was afraid of and I learned how to face the fears. I began to use my fears, turning them into doorways. They turned into doorways that led to a growing spiritual journey that continues to this day.

You need to read the Gospels, the Torah, and the mystics

While our conversation continued between classes and afterward, I began to slowly come out from underneath the oceans of fear that had pulled me under. I started to allow my classes to transform me. My life outside of education was also improving greatly. This transformation began as I allowed others to help me along the way. I learned that I could not do this alone; it was going to destroy me from the inside out. While my family life, church life, and spiritual life was improving, I wanted more. I wanted more than what I was reading, praying, studying, and learning. There was a hunger for something deeper, with more depth and substance.

My professor soon became my mentor and now my friend. I asked for more than coursework and assignments. I knew I had to do those things, but I asked him for more. That is when he told me something that would change me forever. He told me to read the mystics, and in later discussions in class he told us all to always be reading the Gospels and the Torah. I barely knew the term mystics at that point in my journey, so he continued to explain. He sent me home with several references and authors to pursue. That very evening I began exploring the Gospels, as I have never seen them before; I read the Torah in the same manner.

Learning to let others help

I continue to do the same today in my daily reading journey. I got to know the mystics and the early church fathers very well. I saw that many of them had the same hunger and thirst for more. I learned that I was not alone in my struggle. I had neglected my soul and tried to feed it with technical and doctrinal waves of information. My soul discovered that it was dying and it was beginning to self-destruct under all the fear that held me back. As a small town preacher at a small town congregation, I was dying on the inside.

When I began to learn to let others in on my spiritual journey, trust in God more through prayer and Scripture, and practice silence, I came out from under the fear that was drowning me from the inside out. I learned how to take care of my soul in the wilderness of small town and small church ministry. I learned to allow them to help me and walk the road with me. Preachers do not need to be afraid to build relationships with their churches and in their communities. They came in different forms--some were ranchers, and farmers, widowed church members, and minister friends from other churches in town. Once I shared my journey with them, my fears began to subside. The loyal church and community of Springlake-Earth, Texas, will always be a home to my soul.

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Editor’s Note: Trent Tanaro will be participating in the Ministering in the Small Church track at ACU Summit, Sept. 17-20, 2017.