Wrestling with Hard Questions

My office in the Bible building at ACU is situated in what I believe to be one of the most self-reflective spots on campus. I have a large window that looks out into the Hall of Servants under the large glass archway. To my left I see the bell tower, and to my right is the curved stonework that frames the entrance to the Bible building. In between both of those structures is a large expanse of sky—a sky that regularly invites me to look toward God as I sit with the hard truths that churches and ministers often face.

Recently, I found myself reflecting on a conversation that I had been having with a children’s minister. We were talking about why it is so important, from a faith formation perspective, to ensure that children in our churches have a space to ask hard questions about God and even express doubt and uncertainty.[1] She had been trying to nurture that type of environment within her children’s ministry but was feeling disheartened by a series of recent interactions at church. These interactions highlighted that her volunteers were feeling either (1) ill-equipped on how to do this well, (2) uncertain as to why this approach was critical to faith development, or (3) both.

To be fair, this is not an unusual critique. It can be challenging, especially when so many volunteers who serve in children’s ministry do so out of profound goodness and a desire to impact the kingdom of God and not necessarily because they feel completely capable. 

If you are the person serving as the minister in this situation, an understandable reaction is to feel defeated. If you are the volunteer, then you might be feeling ineffective or even frustrated. My hope is that neither becomes overriding sentiment.

So, to this end, I want to hopefully be a support for you and your church as you seek to better understand why it is imperative that churches become spaces where children can ask hard questions and express doubts. It is crucial for the spiritual formation of our children. 

While it may seem like I am getting a little ahead of myself, I would like to start with the how: how do you nurture an environment that embraces the difficult challenges and confronts the messy? I assure you, though, I will also talk about the why.

Listen well. When children ask hard questions or express doubts about God, focus first on being completely present and really listening to what they are saying. Don’t feel compelled to respond or correct, just listen and try to understand what they are saying. It is also through listening that you will communicate to them the importance of their voice within the kingdom of God and the theological capacity that they possess.

Embrace and affirm their vulnerability. As an adult, expressing something that differs from what everyone else is saying often leads a person to feel exposed and vulnerable. This is no different for children, and it is up to us to let them know that they are safe, and that we invite all of their questioning—the good, the bad, and even the highly uncomfortable. When we welcome a child’s openness with care and love and listening, we carve out a path for continued conversation.

Be okay with not having an answer. “I don’t know” is often the best thing you can say because it communicates two things. First of all, it reminds us that we aren’t meant to know everything about God and that we will never know everything about God. God is complex, and while we may spend our entire lives seeking to understand God better, ultimately we will never get there because God is deeper and wider and infinitely more than we could possibly imagine. And that is okay. Secondly, it communicates to children that we also wrestle with questions about God, and that we can be on this journey of discovery and examination together. It removes the “I will tell, you will receive” mentality and encourages mutuality.

Resist the urge to give what you believe to be “the right answer.” Adults often feel obligated to offer “the right answer” when children are grappling with any question, but perhaps especially their faith. While this instinct comes from a good place, it diminishes the possibility for a child to wade through those doubts in a safe environment. At the same time, it also inadvertently produces an overly-simplified, one-dimensional view of God that shapes their long-term perception. Instead, when a child presents you with hard questions and doubts—as you remain mindful of the previous three points—know that (1) you can ask questions that help both of you understand better what they are saying, (2) you can be a co-pilgrim on this journey with them, and (3) you can commit to covering them in prayer through all of the challenging moments of their faith journey.

Feeling comfortable responding when presented with the sticky moments of ministry is only part of the conversation. Knowing the why behind the response will ultimately shape how we do ministry. In my work, both previously as a children’s minister and now within the Siburt Institute, I have encountered countless stories of adults who, as children, posed these difficult questions within their faith communities and were dismissed by the adult at hand or even shamed for raising such a thought. As a result, it shaped the formation of their faith and their relationship with God. Likewise, scholars in the field of children’s ministry have talked about how important it is to “embrace honest, thoughtful, and even challenging questions” because doing so nurtures a child’s faith in a way that allows it to “seep into their bones, to form the core of their identity, an identity that won’t fall apart when doubts arise.”

If we are to help our children find their place in God’s unfolding story, one of our priorities must be ensuring that our children know that God is big enough to handle all of the questions, the doubts, the fears, the anger, and everything in between that we lay out before God. We need to be comfortable with nurturing that sort of atmosphere.

So, to the children’s ministers, I encourage you to arm your volunteers with the courage and comfort to welcome the hard questions and the expressions of doubt. For those who serve as volunteers, embrace a willingness to sit in the discomfort of difficult questions. That is exactly where God calls you to be. To the parents, grandparents, caregivers, and other meaningful adults in the lives of children, walk humbly alongside your children so that they can see God at work in your life as you also make space for them to wrestle with their faith. When children are embraced in that vulnerable space with each and every one of you, they will keep coming back.

And isn’t this exactly where we want them wrestling with all of their hard questions? 

May God bless you in your work!

Jennifer